Initial Discomfort

Monograms can add that perfect crowning touch of elegance to your wedding cake.

Or, they can look like this:

Proof that sometimes it's better to quit before letting your five-year-old write on the cake.

Still, it could be worse.

The monogram could match the rest of the cake:

Hey, it's not easy to make tinfoil look this good.


If you do find a mistake in your cake's monogram, don't panic. There are plenty of seamless ways for your baker to fix the error.

This isn't one of them.

Now, I'm all for sharing new words, broadening folks' horizons, furthering education, etc, but if you have to explain to the baker of your wedding cake what a monogram is - a "T, J, and H" put together, for example - then maybe, just maybe, a few alarm bells should go off.

Or I suppose you could just take your chances.


After all, what could go wrong?

Heh.


Aheh.


Heh.

At least the quotes add a little something "extra."

Thanks to today's wedding wreckporters Anony M., Hilary R., Cyndi P., & Cyndee M., who think all bakers should be required to ask, "Can I quote you on that?"

Bake a Cake, Diss A Vow

Words are a vital part of the wedding ceremony. With them you promise to love and cherish one another, declare your commitment publicly, and tell Uncle Randall to ease up on the J�gerbombs. Or at least stop dancing.

So, it's no wonder that some couples want to incorporate words on their wedding cake. And it's also no wonder - at least to me, heh - when those words spell disaster.

Or misspell it, as the case may be.

Note that the baker used the classic Wilton letter press on the first tier, but then gave up and free-handed the rest. And how "forword" is misspelled. And that "for worse" is left off. Now note the spacing. And the colors. And the...oh, are you ready to move on?


I'm told one or two of those words are misspelled, but frankly I was too distracted by the heaps of soggy seaweed to notice. Maybe that's the point?

No. Just...no.


Jessica wanted the writing on her cake to match the font of their invitations, so she brought in this handy reference picture:

She also asked that the roses be made of icing.


Drum roll, please!

I especially like the roses. Classy.

I think this one's my favorite, though:

Give it a minute.

Let it all sink in. Or line up. Or whatever.

Now, at first I thought the baker had stacked these in the wrong order, since it kind of looks like the top tier connects with the bottom one. When I saw the back, though, I realized:

I actually have no idea what is going on with this cake.


And finally, a tip for all your wedding wreckage:

The uglier it is, the more you should emphasize the word "beautiful."

Perfect.

Thanks to our wedding wreckporters Leslie F., Meagan R., Joe D., Jessica S., Angela C., & HickBride, who are all da bomb. But not J�gerbombs. 'Cuz that'd be weird.

Stairway to Heaven

I have to be honest: I've never really understood the whole wedding-cake-plastic-staircase thing. I mean, who first decided the wedding figurines might need to take a stroll down to one of the side cakes?

Not to mention this looks more like a video game level than a wedding cake.

"Ok, what you have to do is, hop over the leaf-shrooms, collect the heart rings, and then duke it out with the Moopa-Moosers down at the bottom. Oh, and watch out for the barrels."

Then, after providing this thoughtful pathway, the decorators go and make it completely inaccessible!

How are they supposed to get down there?

Or battle their way through all that foliage?

Granted, I can't think of a better place to put your plastic deer collection.

Of course, it goes without saying that all this extra height means you have to put a clear plastic light-up fountain under the cake. (Don't bother questioning it. You just have to.)

Mmm. Drippy.

You know what, though? These cakes still don't have enough going on. What do you say in addition to the stairs, tiers, figurines, and light-up fountain, we cover everything in Louis Vuitton?

Ah, rampant materialism climbs to new heights. I like it.

But it's STILL not enough. Can we get a few dozen miniature bridal party dolls, a Barbie cake, a few bolts of tulle, and the Amazon rain forest in here now, guys?

No, no, don't take away the stairs, fountain, or multiple topper figurines; we need those.

***

All set? Alrighty, let's take a look.

YES!! BEHOLD MY CREATION!! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Hey, Anony M., Genevieve F., April L., Anony M., Marla B., & Elle J., you must admit: this thing is so gosh-darn tacky it's almost kind of awesome.

Or...not.

Dueling Disasters

Note: Press play and start scrolling!

Banjo #1: bada ding ding ding ding ding ding diiing...


Banjo #2: bada ding ding ding ding ding ding diiing...

Now this one.

Banjo #1: ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...


Banjo #2: ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...

YEEEEEEHAAAAAW!!!

Banjos #1 & #2 ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

Ding.


Hey, Cindy S. and btchelicious: Bada ding ding ding.

A Marriage in Idle

Welcome back...to...A Marriage In Idle.

Our first contestant Susan has dreams of flying high, but does she have more than a wing and a prayer? Let's find out.

"Hi, my name is Susan, and I'm going to do Wind Beneath My Wings:"

Darla: "Ok, Sweetie, go ahead."

Susan: [cracking knuckles] "Alright. Here goes."

Darla: "Um... Ok! Randall? What do you think?"

Randall: "I dunno, dawg. I mean, it was really pitchy there in the middle, you know, when it almost fell over? And you just didn't go high enough. Sorry."

Darla: "I have to agree with Randall. When I look at you, I see JOY. But I just don't taste the joy. What? Nigel, why are you always laughing at me?"

Nigel: [eye roll] "Look, Susan, I simply don't know what to say to you. It was complete and utter crap. Oh, hey, I guess I did know what to say."

Next up is Michael, who hopes his rendition of Under the Sea won't leave the judges all wet.

[voice cracking] "Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm going to do Under the Sea.

Um. Should I just start?"

Nigel: "YES, Michael. While the sun's still up, if you please."

"Oh, Ok."

Nigel: [head in hands] "Oh, Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael."

"Uh. Yes, Nigel?"

"THAT, Michael, was completely -and I mean this in all seriousness - completely and irrevocably the worst thing I have ever seen created in five years. It was a nightmare. A total nightmare."

Randall: "Yeah, sorry, dawg."

Darla: "Maybe next year. Don't lose that sparkle!"

Can our next contestant Kelli win the judges over, or will her wreck get in the way?

"Hi there! I'm Kelli, and I'm going to do The Words Get in the Way."

Randall: [sucking air through teeth] "Oooh. Wow. I'm sorry, dawg, but that was not good. What do you think, Darla?"

Darla: "There's something very special about you, Kelli. A kind of hazy...colorful...haze. Yeah. In fact, I think...I think I love you. OW! Nigel, what was that for?"

Nigel: "Darla, don't make me take away your sippy cup again."

Kelli: "Um...so...does that mean I win?"

Nigel: "Kelli, there aren't enough words in the English language to adequately describe how terrible that was. Looking at your cake is like having my eyes plucked out, wrapped in burlap, and beaten with a cactus. I'm actually nauseated. You disgust me."

Kelli: "So...no?"

Wow, it's been a rough night for our wreckerators. Will Billy, our final contestant of the night, turn things around?

"My name's Billy, and I'm gonna rock your worlds with Pretty Pink Ribbons, by Cake."

Randall: "Wow. Nice choice."

Billy: "Yes, sir. Prepare to be amazed."

Darla: "WHAT IN THE H...[falling out of chair]...oooph!"

Randall: "Sorry, Darla. Here, have your sippy cup."

Darla: [from floor] "Bad! Baaaad!!"

Randall: "Yeah, I gotta say, dawg, that is pretty heinous. Nigel?"

Nigel: "I rather like it."

Jenna C., Josee, Diana B., & Katie C., I'd say your wedding wrecks and a snarky British judge are a match made in heaven.

Who You Callin' 'Pro'?

You all know I only feature professionally made Wrecks here on CW. The irony, of course, is that I mistake pro for amateur way more often than the other way around! Heh. So anyway, while I've been told that today's Wrecks are indeed made by real, honest-to-goodness, got-paid-for-their-efforts cake decorators, part of me still refuses to believe it.

I'm still posting them, though, because they're all wedding cakes. Served at people's actual weddings. And even if one was actually made by Aunt Mildred who calls herself a pro but really isn't, I think the world deserves to see this cautionary tale.

Plus, it's kinda funny.

Whew, thank goodness for fresh flowers! Too bad they didn't have enough to hide the fact that the cake is being served on a giant dry-erase board, though.

I also like the gentle placement of the topper. That took "finesse."



Apparently this was taken during The Great Icing Shortage of '73 - back when grooms were stayin' alive with their groovy butterfly collars and the bridesmaids wore Frigidaire green. Looks like they ran out of flowers here too, though, and raided the fruit bowl instead.




Hey, "Love to Highway", right? And getting married doesn't mean the groom has to give up his matchbox cars, right?


And now, a haiku for you, wedding cake:

red bleeding ribbon
did the cake get in a fight?
lumpy icing tiers

And finally, before I show you this last Wreck, I feel I should reiterate that the bride herself *assured* me she paid actual money to an actual professional to make it. Honest. Really.

Now, in the baker's defense, I'm told the insides of all the cake tiers were raw.

How is that a defense, you ask?

Well, um...

Oh! Imagine how hard it must've been to stack all those raw cake tiers! Eh? Yeah, I like to look on the sunny side of things. Which is good, because this cake is so sunny I think I can hear my retinas sizzling.

Hey, Grace C., Tony M., Anony M., Anony #2., & Anita R., "sizzling retinas" would be a terrible band name. Really. Just awful.

What $1,000 Gets You In Texas

Groom's cake: $400

Wedding cake: $600

Having the two biggest wrecks in a state where everything's bigger?

Priceless.

(Okay, not really; it's a thousand dollars.)

Thanks for putting those Longhorn cakes in perspective, Shelley G.

She Turned In Her Own MOTHER

Sometimes the best part about your Wreck submissions isn't the photo, but the e-mail that came with it. Today's Wreck is aces on both counts. So allow me to allow Sarah L. to give you the intro.

"This wedding cake was made by my mom (who you can see having a nervous breakdown in one of the pictures) for her brother's wedding. Yes, she's my mom, but she IS a professional pastry chef. She went to culinary school, works at the Ritz Carlton, and her brother paid her for her services. (She's made several wedding cakes for $$ since then that turned out much better...I SWEAR.)"

You'll understand why Sarah was so adamant about her mom doing better work in just a moment.

In fact, I'd say all will be made clear right...about....

...now.

Hi, Sarah's mom!
Say, you DO kind of look like you're having a nervous breakdown. Perhaps if you sprinkled a little more powdered sugar?

To be fair, Sarah offers the following explanation:

"The wedding took place during August in Dallas, and I think the biggest lesson here is humidity and fondant DO NOT mix. The cake was essentially "sweating," and as it melted, it began to lean."

And yet, bravely, (some might say suicidally so) Sarah's mom battled onward:

Ah, that's better. The writing really helps camouflage all those...er...bulgy bits. Don't you agree, Sarah?

"...it ended up looking like it was constructed by an over-caffeinated toddler with poor spatial awareness."

Whoah, whoah, whoah! An over-caffeinated toddler with poor spatial awareness? Really? C'mon, maybe if she just added a few flowers...

Oh.
Or...not.

So I know the readers are dying to know, Sarah: what was the final verdict?

"It was made with love, and it tasted great, but...I thought the bride was gonna have an anxiety attack."

You mean she didn't have an anxiety attack? Aw, now that's a couple that's gonna go the distance, right there.

Well, I think we've all learned some valuable lessons today. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to dig up some embarrassing pictures of my mom during Band Camp; this mom stuff is comedy GOLD.

Oh, and Sarah? Better go with the premium bouquet this Mother's Day. With chocolates. And a few diamond necklaces. Delivered ahead of time. By someone else.

Bring a Sponge; It's Getting Pretty Tacky In Here.

Sure, we could spend time debating who's really to blame: the bakers, or the clients who ordered these wrecktastic designs.

Or we could just agree they're funny regardless and get on with it.

Yep, that's the ticket.


Yet another example of why you really, really need to give your guy his own groom's cake:

And make sure your napkins coordinate.

There are a million decisions to be made for your wedding day. Fortunately, though, you don't have to choose between your wedding topper, football helmet, resin "eagles raising the American flag" statue, and commemorative KISS doodads:

Notice how the eagle cake doesn't match the others?
(No, I don't have anything snappy to say about that. Just seeing if you noticed.)

Bride: "I've been dreaming about my wedding cake since I was a little girl. It has to be amazing, perfect. When my guests see it, I want there to be fireworks. Can you do that?"

Baker: [scribbling on clipboard] "Fireworks. Got it."

To be fair, there were more toothpick spriggy things - but that was before the mini wiener dogs were served.

Also, I never would have thought that muted gray-tone Lladro topper would go with an "exploding ticker tape parade in Rio" design...

...but, wouldn't you know it? I was right.

Look, I love Renaissance Fairs, I really do. I even love that this couple got married at one. However, this?

This doth make mine bowels quiver in a most unseemly matter, m'lords and ladies. For sooth.

Sam (the American) Eagle's wedding cake:

"It's a tribute to all nations, but mostly America."

Speaking of which, what do you do if your elegantly designed wedding cake shows up thoroughly wonkified?

Three words:
Distract the eye.

I guarantee you no one noticed the tipping tiers.

Amy S., Callie B., Julie Anne, Pam P., Anony M., & Chella S., I just realized that most (if not all) of today's Wrecks are American. I'm so proud I could bust.