A Matter of Life and Death

Sure, the Oscars are this Sunday - but all *I* see is a handy excuse to quote one of my favorite movies ad nauseam.

Let's begin, shall we?

This doesn't bode well.

That's also the only Oscars wreck I have, so from here on out it's all booze, guns, and gangster talk. Woohoo!

Thank you. But don't call me "boss."


Hey, are you still packin'? Fork it over.

I mean that literally.

It's like disarming Germany.

If Germany had one giant icing bullet and a bunch of smaller, cupcake bullets, that is.

(What, you couldn't tell those were shotgun shells?)

(Of course I knew! I just had no idea!)

You're just saying that because of the guns. And don't call me "bosss," either.

For Dr. Poole ("'Allo!") we have this treasure trove of linguistic anomalies:

And such nicely rounded dipthongs.


In fact, I'd say these wrecks call for a celebration!

But don't worry; we only keep this in the house for yacht christenings.

Matthew C., Aimee W., DB, Jennifer W., Robert K., Rachael F., & Marian R., let me show you the door. THERE'S THE DOOR!

Oh, and if you're completely lost right now, I'd suggest starting here.

The Golden Wreckies

Welcome back to the 2011 Golden Wreckies! I'm your host, Nicky Ganache, and for this segment I'll be talking about myself in the third person.

Nicky can hear you booing, everyone. Don't make Nicky get the hand puppets out again.

Okay, our next award is in the category of Best Supporting Role. And the nominees are:

"The Pastor's Podium"
in Falling Down

"The Flower Girl's Chiclets"

in The Abyss

and...

"A Hope and a Prayer"

in Beaches

And the award for Best Supporting Role goes to.... 'The Flower Girl's Chiclets!' Yes, brilliant. I loved them in JAWS.

Now on to our second category, the award for Best Writing in a Comedic Role. (I actually wrote a hilarious cake this year myself, but, surprise surprise, it's not "eligible." Yeah. They even used air quotes.)

Anyway, the nominees are:

"Cowboys Undeafted"

The story of a rowdy group of deaf football players who suddenly regain their hearing after the coach blows his whistle. Starring Will Ferrell.

"Maga Kum Latt�"

The story of a group of rowdy sorority girls who work part-time at a coffee shop and fall in love with a nearby football team. Starring Will Ferrell.

"Happy Colleen"

The story of a rowdy teenager who explores life as a sheep-herder in the 1920s. Starring Will Ferrell.

And the award goes to... "Happy Colleen!" Although I still think my cake was better. Anyone want to see it, by the way? I happen to have it right here behind the podium... And, if I may say, it's bloody brilliant! ... No? ... You're missing out! ... You sure? ... Anybody?... FINE.

And finally, it's time for our last category of the evening. Because that's what "finally" means. Hah! See? I AM funny.

The nominees for Best Set Dressing are:

"Shower Horror"

The amount of ribbon on this cake will make your hair curl.

"Choking Hazard"

What it lacks in creativity, it makes up for with explosions and 3D effects.

"Hello Kitschy"

For once in his life, Nicky is actually speechless.

And the award goes to....why, Nicky Ganache! YES! I won! Haha! Suck it, Hollyweirds!!

Um...who are these big burly men coming on stage? What are you...HEY! PUT ME DOWN! And give me back my award! That's mine! MINE, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAHAAA!!

[announcer] This has been the Golden Wreckies! Thank you for watching, and good night!

Nicky: [voice fading out] MIIIINE!!

I'd like to thank the Academy, Steve, Kathryn B., Deanne M., Karen B., James, Michael, Sandy B., Brenda J., God, my mother and father... [music swelling] Wait! I'm not finished! My dog Boopsy, my hairdresser Leon, that guy from Cheers...

"Surprise!"

You know, when I see something like this I can't help but wonder:

Exactly which part do they consider the "surprise?"

The candy wrappers smashed into the icing on the cupcakes?

The cupcakes smashed into the icing on the cupcakes?

Or could it be the fact that someone managed to write $18.99 without a giant "LOL - j/k!" after it?

Thanks to AmyLynn, who knows some three-year-olds who do this for free. No matter how hard their parents try to stop them.

Stairway to Heaven

I have to be honest: I've never really understood the whole wedding-cake-plastic-staircase thing. I mean, who first decided the wedding figurines might need to take a stroll down to one of the side cakes?

Not to mention this looks more like a video game level than a wedding cake.

"Ok, what you have to do is, hop over the leaf-shrooms, collect the heart rings, and then duke it out with the Moopa-Moosers down at the bottom. Oh, and watch out for the barrels."

Then, after providing this thoughtful pathway, the decorators go and make it completely inaccessible!

How are they supposed to get down there?

Or battle their way through all that foliage?

Granted, I can't think of a better place to put your plastic deer collection.

Of course, it goes without saying that all this extra height means you have to put a clear plastic light-up fountain under the cake. (Don't bother questioning it. You just have to.)

Mmm. Drippy.

You know what, though? These cakes still don't have enough going on. What do you say in addition to the stairs, tiers, figurines, and light-up fountain, we cover everything in Louis Vuitton?

Ah, rampant materialism climbs to new heights. I like it.

But it's STILL not enough. Can we get a few dozen miniature bridal party dolls, a Barbie cake, a few bolts of tulle, and the Amazon rain forest in here now, guys?

No, no, don't take away the stairs, fountain, or multiple topper figurines; we need those.

***

All set? Alrighty, let's take a look.

YES!! BEHOLD MY CREATION!! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Hey, Anony M., Genevieve F., April L., Anony M., Marla B., & Elle J., you must admit: this thing is so gosh-darn tacky it's almost kind of awesome.

Or...not.

Sick as a Dog

We've learned from a recent survey that 76% of our readers get their news exclusively from Cake Wrecks and the Fun Facts on the underside of Snapple lids. So today, in Part 12 of our medical news series, "Congrats! You're Contagious!," we'll be teaching you how to recognize an onset of Rectal Arthritic Bubonic Inner Ear Scurvy (aka "R.A.B.I.E.S.") in your furry friend.

Stage 1: Upon initial infection, your dog may show unusual signs of perkiness and energy.

Sparky may even rummage through your holiday scrunchie drawer and attempt to accessorize.

Stage 2: Several minutes after becoming infected, your dog may appear nervous or scared.

Hiding behind word-shaped shrubbery is common.

Stage VII: R.A.B.I.E.S. will cause Munchkin's eyes to water and turn a slightly pinkish hue:

Also known as the "Tammy Faye Baker Phase."

Stage 6: Foaming at the mouth:

After eating poo.

Stage 6: Lashing out with erratic behavior.

Also known as the "Your Kid's Gonna Need Therapy" phase.

Stage F: Dry, patchy skin.

Accompanied by KISS makeup and a wang beard.

Stage 9: Inexplicable weight gain.

And loss of limbs and neck.

So be sure to keep an eye out for any signs that your little Gnarls Barkley may be infected. After all, you don't want to experience the final phase of the R.A.B.I.E.S. virus:

Total protonic reversal.

Yeah. That's bad.

Thanks to Megan, Anna M., Katy P., Angela L., Jason, Stephanie A., Ashley J., and Tiffany H. Now stay tuned for parts 13 and 14 in our medical series: "Lady Lumps," and "Chlamydi-huh?"

Project Wreckway

Cake expert, Tom Gann: "Pastry chefs, I am leaving you with five minutes to finish your cakes for this week's show. I'm egregiously consternated that some of you might not finish in time, but I am confident that you all have the Sturm und Drang to 'wow' me. Your desserts to this point have consistently been astrudently bralifiscent! So, make it work!"

{moments later}

Hilga Flan: "Designers, welcome to the runway. Your challenge this week was to design a cake where your only limit was your imagination. As you know, in baking, you're either thin or you're stout. Let's start the show."

Kelly: "I wanted my design to be whimsical and childlike, but still fashion forward."

Judge #1, Editor of Gourmet Cake Monthly, Mia Gonzales: "I don't get it. We wanted a high fashion cake, not an arts and craft project."

Judge #2, Founder of Cols Frosting, Daniel Cols: "Butterfly flotsam is SO last season."

Judge #3, Supermodel, Hilga Flan: "It's a hot mess."

*

Mikeal: "I'm not afraid of colour, and I love to stand out."

Mia: "Mikeal, I don't even know where to begin. I'm really beginning to question your taste level."

Daniel: "I agree with Mia; this is just painful to look at. There's way too much going on! The swirls... the ribbons... the flowers... the horses... the swirls... pick a theme and GO WITH IT!"

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Lindsay: "I love couture, so I wanted to keep my design elegant and chic."


Mia: "Lindsay, it's like you've never decorated a cake before in your life. This is... It's just... I am speechless."

Daniel: "I'm really not getting it. Is any of this even edible? If this is couture, get me out of the cake business, NOW."

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Frederick: "My design was inspired by my mother. She was a florist."


Mia: "More like, she was a BORIST. What a snoozefest."

Daniel: "I see how it was inspired by your mother. It's like, mother of the bride meets the spray paint department at K-Mart. And it's so matronly! What's with the stripes? I... I just don't get it."

Hilga: "I kind of like this one. It's like it's had a kiss from a rose."

Daniel: "Ugh... you would like this one."

*

Santiago: "I spent last summer in China, and it inspired me."

Mia: "Santiago, this is outstanding. I would take this cake to a party right now."

Daniel: "I agree. This is just stunning. I think the dragon is now, it's modern, it's hip. The kiwis and cherries are what's happening in cake decorating... it's really well thought out. Bravo."

Hilga: "Santiago, it's really hot. You're this week's winner! Congratulations! You will have immunity in next week's challenge, where you will all have 20 minutes to decorate a wedding cake while hog-tied and blindfolded."

Chasity B., Sue M., Alex N., Shawn B., Shana C., I recommend that you accessorize your designs thoughtfully; perhaps by adding some piping and a few more layers? (Get it? Cause there are layers and piping in both cake and clothes?) Seriously, make it work.

Cake After People

What would happen if every baker on earth...[dramatic voice]...disappeared?

This isn't the story of how they might vanish. It's what happens to the cakes they leave behind. This is just part of the journey that will take us to the future of once active bakeries, as well as haunting sites already devoid of taste. Welcome to earth, population: zero.

1 year

after bakers


An abandoned ring and silk flowers bear mute witness to the echoing loneliness...of desolation.

10 years

after bakers

In the depths of bakery windows everywhere, dust gathers. Icing crumbles. With no workers here to clean, once-sweet treats become deadly harbingers of disease.

Sun-bleached displays now resemble so much worn, waxy marble, making it impossible to distinguish what once was a timeless tasty treat.


Uh. Lot of alliteration in this half of the script, huh?

Sound guy: Alliter what now?

Never mind.

100 years

after bakers

Geothermal flash floods bring with them river rock and debris. Amazingly, the petrified pastries persevere.

Seriously? "Petrified pastries persevere?" Who wrote this?

sound guy: I think it was the new guy; he had to finish up when Jerry took leave. Look, just go with it; we're on a roll.

[sigh] Fine.

In dank, darkened displays, filthy, festering folds of fondant mask the moldering malformed mess, made more malignantly misshapen in much...

[throwing script down] Oh come on!!

sound guy: What?

I'm ad-libbing from here. Deal with it.

sound guy: Ok, but you're telling Jerry.

Fine. Let's wrap this up.

10,000 years

after bakers

Yeeeeee-haw!

Come and get it!!


sound guy: Seriously?

Seriously.

Hey Carly T., Tom H., & Clair W., did you know that all these displays are for bakeries still open for business? Seriously.

Santa's Little Inept Helper

[shop bell tinging]

"Hello, I'd like to register a complaint."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir. What seems to the problem?"

"I'll tell you what the problem is, my good man: I came in here yesterday to enlist your services in procuring my daughter's Christmas gifts. I even gave you her list:

"Yes, yes, very good. And?"

"And the presents you provided were severely substandard."

"Surely not!"

"I should say so. Just look at this doll you sent over:

"Ah, lovely doll, the Cindy Yella, isn't it? Beautiful blue skirt."

"It appears to be made of tentacles."

"Those add texture."

"And you spilled your coffee on it."

"That was there before."


"I see. And what about this 'bike'?"

"What about it?"

"I stated very clearly that my daughter is six years old, and wanted a tricycle."

"Yeah, but it looks cool on the ketchup and mustard smears, dudn't it?"

"So I suppose you thought jamming an entire deck of playing cards into icing looked 'cool' as well, did you?"

"What if I told you that wand magically cleans off all the icing?" [wink]

"Oh, does it?"

"No.

But it might."

"You just said it wouldn't."

"But it might."

[staring]

"Fine. Now, would you kindly explain this?"

"It's a puppy."

"It's a dead dog."

"Puppies are dogs."

"But it is DECEASED."

"No, no, he's just resting!"

"Resting? RESTING?!?

****

Say, you ever get the feeling we've said this before?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"Huh."

"Huh."

****
"You...uh... wanna grab a cup of coffee?"

"Ooh, let's!"

Thanks to Mindy S., doctorhj, Yael, Stephanie, & Laura K., who agree that dead puppies aren't much fun.

Prepare To Feel Festive

...whether you like it or not.

Ok, gang, let's run through that check list again.

Homicidal ghost penguins?

Check.


Santa's head on a pike?

Well, it's more like a "turret," but... check.



Pistol Pete's Gingerbread Gun Shop?

Shoot, look's like this baker's gunnin' for a raise! Quite a bang up job, too! Ha ha!

I mean: check.

Alrighty, looks like we're all set!

[speaking into headset] We have a "go" on "Festivities." Repeat: we have a "go" on "Festivities." Proceed with operation "Flower Dump."

Ah, the spirit is moving already!


Ok, let's get wardrobe in here to dress those frogs I ran over last night.

Perfect! They look just like reindeer!

Now, we just need to cram 57 wrapped candy canes, three pounds of icing, and this bucket of plastic flotsam onto a single cake round. Move it, team, move it!

I am so proud of you all right now I could just bust.


Well, gang, that's a wrap. Now, get out there this weekend, and have a ball!

Er.

Perhaps in a more figurative sense.

Felicitations to festive feelers Chardy C., Rose B., Amber, Dustin S., Cadence M., Ashley D., & Amy W.

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CCC Day #9

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