Oh! So THAT's Why There's No Mail!

Today we here in the U.S. celebrate our first president's birthday.

But more importantly...

[ripping off coat to reveal red, white, and blue sequin-covered jumpsuit]

...we celebrate America.

Hit it, Christina!

Um, well, I think that's supposed to be "whose"...

"Paroles?" Is this song about a prison break?

*sigh*

I've just spent 10 seconds trying to pronounce "hallulliah," and I can't stop laughing. Help.

[regaining composure] Ahem.

And now, in honor of George Washington and the day of his birth, let's see some starfish doing the tango.

That's for you, George.

And, since some people think Washington's family crest actually helped inspire the red and white stripes on Old Glory, let's take a moment to spotlight the care and respect bakers still show our nation's flag today:

The blue waves represent the sea of our educational incompetence.

Yessir, I think ol' George would have liked these bakers, with their real American values and their real American piping bags. After all, if there's one thing real Americans know, it's the shape of their own country.

Dibs on Toronto.

Thanks to today's real American heroes Ember P., Terra F., Aziza, & Jill W.

Animaniacal

For many wreckerators, no cake is more of a tongue-out, slightly-hunched-and-grunting impossibility than an animal cake. It's not for lack of trying, mind you. ("Squished Shih Tzu" is actually a bakery standard these days.) For all their trying and failing, though, there are times when the results are actually kind of cute. Kind of. In a mutant sort of way.

For example:

Now, the poodle is a ridiculous looking dog. You can tell by how ridiculous it looks. You would almost think it would be impossible to make it look any more ridiculous, but if so, the yolk's on you! Haha!

Or maybe on this guy.


Now this little fella...

...is a chinchilla. I would very much like to snuggle him.

I don't really know what this is:

But I would also like to snuggle it. And maybe nom an ear.

This is a blow fish:

He obviously disapproves.

And this is a blow fish on antidepressants:

Any questions?

And if you think that bakers only try to make cutesy animals...

"What? I'm cutesy!"

...think again:

From the genus Crocodillius Seinfeldus.


Sometimes wreckorators double their efforts:

And, in some cases, they double their wreckage:

But at least this case also has some nice roses.


And finally, when an animal is really complicated:

"I'm complicated."


Wreckorators tend to just wing it:

"Meh. Hedgehog, hedge pig... same difference."

Thanks to Tim A., Stephanie D., Shirley L., Nathan M., JoeyJoJo and Monique R., who are all toy-gers. Toit toy-gers. Rawr.

Chasing Shadows

Well, it's Groundhog Day. Or, as Brenda here knows it:

"Groad Hogs Day"


Today is the day that we celebrate the..day...by having this cheeky little fella:

aka "the guy with the crappy back end":

...drive around town with Bill Murray looking for a weather forecaster who has no shadow. Which I think makes the weather forecaster a vampire.

Ah, American holidays*.


Today is also the day when we find out if winter will end soon or not.

Hm...

[clickety click click click]

via weather.com 12 hours ago

Yeah. Good luck with that, every-state-but-Florida.

So, unless shadowless weather forecasters are run over by rodent and celebrity driven automobiles, I'd say most of you are due to see a lot more of this:

"Squashed octopodes?"

Er, no. I mean this:

"Blue crabs?"


No, no, no!

THIS:

[crickets chirping]


Oh, never mind.

Happy Grounn Dhog Day, y'all.

Thanks to Brenda M., M.Z., Melissa B., Saundra, Karen C., Jamie, & Kevin H., who would like to remind you to never drive angry. Especially with a quadruped.

*Actually, I hear Canadians celebrate Groundhog Day, too. Except their vampire weather forecasters use beavers to raise the stakes. [insert beaver joke here] [insert 'BWAHAHAHA!' here] [insert apology for beaver joke here]

Well Met, Helmet

Apparently, there was a football game over the weekend. Or something. And while I care slightly less about football than I do about squirrel husbandry, I figured now would be a good time to talk to you about protection.

Er, of your heads, I mean. Not my squirrels' nuts. (Those are in the shed. Next to the zippers.)

So...helmets! For your heads! Except the cake ones, of course, which are for your mouth!

It's actually really hard to make a cake that looks like a helmet. There are all the doodads and thingamajigs and whoosywhatsits, and if you're not careful it just looks like a heap a' flimflam jibber jabber!

(Wow. I just turned into my grandfather)

First, let's have Mr. Floopers model a real football helmet for us:

"I hate you."

See? It's simple. Just wrap your cat in a towel, and you can get almost anything on his head.

Oh, and the helmet is pretty easy, too.

In fact, when you break it down artistically, you can see that it's really just a big tombstone with a snail on it:

RIP, Ravens.


Or a one-tentacled jellyfish:

Make sure your helmets are well-rounded, though.

"Comb the dessert!"

A well-executed cupcake cake (hooy-patooty!) is great for crushing the other team's spirit.

"Choppin' broccoli!
I'm choppin' brocolay-hay!
I'm choppin' broccoli!"


Why, just look at the terror in their eyes:

Or you could confuse them with the abstract method:

"And that little pile of poo is a fleur de lis!"

[other team's minds exploding]

You could also try a little more Sparta than Super Bowl:

Hey, a football field is 300 feet.

And remember, when all else fails, try the ultimate offensive play:

Peeping Tom Brady. [shudder]

Thanks to Tim M., Cassidy S., Hunter F., Molly M., Erica B., Dena G., Amy K., & Lisa K., who think someone really should tell Giselle.

Sick as a Dog

We've learned from a recent survey that 76% of our readers get their news exclusively from Cake Wrecks and the Fun Facts on the underside of Snapple lids. So today, in Part 12 of our medical news series, "Congrats! You're Contagious!," we'll be teaching you how to recognize an onset of Rectal Arthritic Bubonic Inner Ear Scurvy (aka "R.A.B.I.E.S.") in your furry friend.

Stage 1: Upon initial infection, your dog may show unusual signs of perkiness and energy.

Sparky may even rummage through your holiday scrunchie drawer and attempt to accessorize.

Stage 2: Several minutes after becoming infected, your dog may appear nervous or scared.

Hiding behind word-shaped shrubbery is common.

Stage VII: R.A.B.I.E.S. will cause Munchkin's eyes to water and turn a slightly pinkish hue:

Also known as the "Tammy Faye Baker Phase."

Stage 6: Foaming at the mouth:

After eating poo.

Stage 6: Lashing out with erratic behavior.

Also known as the "Your Kid's Gonna Need Therapy" phase.

Stage F: Dry, patchy skin.

Accompanied by KISS makeup and a wang beard.

Stage 9: Inexplicable weight gain.

And loss of limbs and neck.

So be sure to keep an eye out for any signs that your little Gnarls Barkley may be infected. After all, you don't want to experience the final phase of the R.A.B.I.E.S. virus:

Total protonic reversal.

Yeah. That's bad.

Thanks to Megan, Anna M., Katy P., Angela L., Jason, Stephanie A., Ashley J., and Tiffany H. Now stay tuned for parts 13 and 14 in our medical series: "Lady Lumps," and "Chlamydi-huh?"

Buzz Kills

Well, my friends, much like the Indian curry at your last office holiday party, another year has passed. Yep. Another year of joys and sorrows. Achievements and failures. Lifelong dreams and The Last Airbender.

Today is a day to spend in thoughtful introspection, evaluation, and redundancy.

Or you could just drink a lot.

"Woo hooo! So long, 2010, sucka!! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"

"2011 is gonna be sooo much better!"

See? They put the ribbon on the cake instead of beside it.

So grab your margaritas,

I mean, maracas.

Pop open a bottle of bubbly,

AKA yet another use for the guitar-shaped cake pan.

And ring in the new year with a honey baked ham!

No? This isn't a ham? I was told there would be ham.

Well, take it easy tonight, guys. Have fun, be safe, roast a ham, and we'll see you after the fiesta!

"Fiesta" is Spanish for "mushroom cloud," right?

Thanks to Cabel, Michelle M., Elisabeth B., C.C., Lana, Laux, & Stephanie M., who think that The Last Airbender was a vastly under appreciated gem of the film world.

BWAHAHAHAAA!!!

Just kidding.