Let's Hear It For The Bird

Woohoo! It's Thanksgiving! And in honor of the occasion, our trusty turkey cakes have prepared a little message for us:

Well. That's...depressing.

(Oh, and btw, parents, making little screaming sounds when you cut the head off may seem hilarious now, but those therapy bills later are a total buzzkill.)


Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

....

Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

The sign says, "Eat beef."

Beyond that, I have no answers.


Take away the giant piece of plastic, and this next one is just a big hand...

...giving us the bird.

[Ba-dum bump!]


But seriously, are there no cheerful turkey cakes in here?

"I am far too consternated by my Groucho eyebrows and gaping body cavern to be cheerful."

"Yeah, I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps, too."


"I am terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought."

"And I have no head."



[sing-song] "But I do-ooo!"

You doo-doo indeed, mon.

Thanks to Lacee H., Vicky J., Mike T., Julie M., Jimmy, Aaron, Cristina, & Kelli E., who think those dread logs are Rastafar-Out!

Wrecks of Plenty

According to Wikipedia, the cornucopia - or "horn of plenty" - is typically a hollow, horn-shaped wicker basket filled with various kinds of festive fruit and vegetables.

According to Wreckerators, this is a cornucopia:

Where "festive fruit and vegetables" = "neon holographic plastic flotsam bits."


And this:

"Is that a vomiting tornado in your cart, or are you just sorry to see me?"

I refuse to believe this next one is anything other than a pile of tiny Wizard hats:

How many tiny Gandalfs had to die for this cookie cornucopia cake, huh? HOW MANY??

Fortunately, some of you knew better than to order a cornucopia cake. You ordered one of these lovely turkey ice cream cakes, instead:

So at least you have that to look forward to.

Heh. Aheh.

[keep scrolling]

Heh.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you still have an appetite? Here, let me help you with that:

Just think, "Charred and slimey." Thaaat oughta do it.

So in conclusion, tomorrow, remember to:

"Goble Goble,"

and:

But only one. Times are tough these days.

A very special "thank" to Diana T., Pam M., Sarah H., Tracy B., Sarah B., Linda S., & Emily G. (You guys will have to share.)

Regular Wrecks

Okay. I'm sure you all get it by now: Chocolate icing, when squeezed out of a pastry bag, looks like poop. Always. Especially when it's filled with air bubbles. And nuts. And sometimes corn.

Which is why sometimes I have to believe these wreckerators are messing with us.

I mean, c'mon, look at this:

I'm pretty sure I saw that topper in Spencer's gag-gift section.

Or how 'bout this guy?

Me thinks Mr. Hanky's been drinking too much Red Bull.

EXPLANATION FOR OLDER GENERATIONS: See, Mr. Hanky is a cartoon character made of [cartoon] poop. No, really. Yes, I know: kids these days. And Red Bull is an "energy" drink that they claim gives you wings, but they're lying, and someone should tell you that before you go and get your hopes up and order your "Super Jen" outfit with matching sparkle cape and steampunk goggles. For example.

Sometimes they try to confuse us by throwing in random flotsam:

Are those...shovels? Axes? Wait. Is this a pun? Chopping a log? Oh, man, that is a new low, Wreckerators. Really. And for the love of lazy lumberjacks, WHY IS THERE A CHERRY ON TOP? This is NOT a "cherry on top" kind of moment!*

You know what really gets me, though? Over in Japan, where for some reason folks are obsessed with poo, bakeries make cakes that are actually *supposed* to look like #2 - but you know what those cakes look like? THIS:

That is seriously some of the cutest...stuff...I've ever seen.
(Although the flies with bunny heads will be visiting my nightmares tonight.)

But come over here to America, where ostensibly our bakeries do *not* make fecal facsimiles, and we get....this:

God bless America.

With a cherry on top.

(Seriously? Seriously?)

Thanks to Jen C., Kimberly W., Liz G., Kseniya T., & Mollie B., who are all Wreckies of excellent moral fiber.

*Update from john: First of all, yes. We know. Secondly, WE HAVE AN EPCOT!!! Under your desks everyone! This is not a drill!

Let's Just Stick with "Happy Falker Satherhood"

We here at Cake Wrecks would like to wish all of you dads out there the happiest of Father's Days this weekend.

Just as soon as we figure out how.

Hm. Not quite right...

No...

"Phathes"? Seriously?

Definitely no...

Aaaand we give up.

Of course, getting the inscription right is only half the battle:

This design works best if dad has never heard of "sarcasm."

(Also, you've got to love the not-so-subtle "Making of Me" "rug" there. Way to acknowledge the paternal contribution, Wreckerators!)

Riiiiight.

Now, don't get me wrong: I'm sure there would be buzzing around that load of...hive. It just wouldn't necessarily be by bees.

[brightening] Hey, you think those are vuvuzela horns?

Now, kids, when ordering your Daddy a cake, try to emphasize his positive qualities.

You know, like having a butt the size of Texas.

(Hey, at least they didn't call him "Super Terrific Dad." Heh.)

Carrie G., Erin H., Brady M., Ro W., Vangie B., Elisabeth K., & Katie, you've made your dads proud today. Unless, of course, you've never managed to measure up to his expectations, and he just doesn't understand you. In that case, this probably hasn't made much difference either way.

Just Beachy

Summer's here!

Time to celebrate the sandy beaches, pink and orange sunsets, and crystal blue waters of the...uh...

...apocalypse?

"And the sky didst turn black, and the sea to ash, and lo, the Wreckerator did thusly expendeth her wrath upon the pink paper umbrella. Eth."

(Before you ask, no, this isn't another oil spill cake: it was sent in last year.)


Gee, bakers, all you need for a decent beach cake is some water and a palm tree. How hard is that?

Ok, let me rephrase that.


How about just a palm tree? A nice, simple, cheery...

Great gobs of corpulent crappy coconuts, what is THAT?!?


Right. Um, let's get back to the beach scenes, shall we?


Looks like someone's beach birthday has a heavy chance of sprinkles:

Yeesh. Now that is a crumby way to color a cake.

Still, I guess it's better than this "beach umbrella" here:

Or as I like to call it: "Sprinkled poo dreams, in four movements"

Ally F., Alyska B., Jodee R., Shae, & Colleen M., this is one time when I can honestly say I don't want sprinkles.

The Bakers Wrecked 'Em

Note to the squeamish: some of today's cakes are medically gross. I've seen much worse, but still...put the coffee down.

As the child of a former RN, I couldn't let National Nurses Week go by without showing the nurses of the world some love.

And by "love," I mean this:

Uh...
I don't really know what's going on here ("I'm an escalator, not a doctor!"), but it looks serious.

Nurses have to have pretty strong stomachs to do what they do, not to mention a healthy dose of humor. This combination, however, makes for some...shall we say..."interesting" cakes.

Oooh, gutsy.
(At first I typed "gusty." Bwahahahah!)

Now, while Canadian nurses apparently celebrate their degrees with stuff like this:

A giant...water bottle? And a decapitated bear. And bar codes. And...uh...what the heck, Canada?

American nurses prefer their cakes a bit more bottom heavy.

As a Trekker, I really must object to this. Once I finish sniggering.

And yes, it gets worse.

This was was found over on Emily's blog:

It's a thermometer, not a straw.

Oh, and sorry for putting "straw" in your head if it wasn't there already.

Yeah, hindsight being 20/20, that was a bum crack to make. A real wipe-out. A party-pooping crapshoot*. Sorry.

*or crap chute, if you want to get technical.

Seriously, though, nurses, what's with the butts?

FUNNY-BUT-TRUE-STORY: My hubby John is a 250-pound tough guy who faints at needles. Once in college he had to get a shot in the cheek. The southern cheek. Well, the moment he bent over the table was the moment he first discovered that - you guessed it - he faints from needles.

He regained consciousness on the floor, in the lap of the lovely lady nurse who had caught him, with his pants down.

He now tells this story to every nurse we meet.


Next time, maybe we should bring cupcakes to help smooth things over:

"You take the pink pill, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the bloody band aid, and dude, you are nuts."

Audrey A., Shannon S., Matthias, Emily A., Jenny C., Sila Y., & Corey F., that's one way to call dibs on the vanilla cupcakes.

Five Awesome Things

[UPDATE: We have our winners! Grammy of Grammy's Garden and ZekesMom10 of Insane in the Mombrain, please e-mail me with your addresses. Thanks!]


Every now and then, we get comments from readers that go something like this:

"You know that cake you posted today? It wasn't that bad! Sure it was misspelled, and the icing looked like someone had spread it on with their tongue, and there was that feces border and thumb print - oh, and the dead bug was kinda gross. But did you see that rose?! Gorgeous!"

Yeeeeah.

Well today, in honor of our friend Neil over at 1000 Awesome Things and the rest of you positive Pollyannas, we picked out a few Wrecks from our arsenal - and we're going to find something awesome to say about each and every one of them. Even if it kills us. Which, let's be honest, is entirely possible.

Ready?

*pulling up happy pants*

Here we GOOOO!

Hey, it looks just like corn! And corn's a great source of fiber! Cleans you right out! And clean colons are awesome!

Look how artfully arranged the tablecloth is! The folds are so even! So regular! Being regular is also awesome.

Uh...

Noisemakers!

I love noisemakers.

Not that you'd want to put these in your mouth, of course, considering where they've been...but, uh...yeah. Noisemakers are awesome.

Gee, that looks like a really sharp knife! It probably cut right through that hideous scarecrow thing, no sweat! In fact, I bet whoever cuts cheese with that knife doesn't have to strain at all.

Not straining while cutting the cheese? You guessed it: AWESOME.

Alright, now we're on the home stretch! [rubbing hands together] Bring on the final contender!

Oh, crap.

I mean, uh, oooo. Tough one.

Sure, there's a full load of things I could say here, but not many would be what you'd call "awesome." Hmm.

[thinking]

[thinking]

[despairing]

[back to thinking]

Ok, I think I got it:

You tell me.

That's right, tell me what's awesome about this Wreck in the comments. Why? Well, mostly for the glory. But also because you just might win Neil's book:

I've already read it, and believe me, it lives up to its name. And speaking of names, mine's on the back cover. So that's worth the purchase price right there. (Did I mention it's also half off on Amazon right now? Yeah. That helps.)

Now go forth, and comment! Whoever makes me laugh the hardest wins the glory, while two randomly selected commenters will actually win a personalized and signed copy of The Book of Awesome. I'll even have Neil do the personalizing and signing. [waggling eyebrows]

Oh, and Neil is willing to ship anywhere in the world. So Estonia, I'm looking at you.

Chloe, Tosha B., Anony M., Molly C., Jeff H., & Rachel V., go make me proud.

- Related Wreckage: The #2 Way to Ruin a Cake

[John's rule type stuff]
When you comment, be sure to put your name. If your name is something boring like John, be sure to follow it up with something creative like (the hubby of Jen). Or, ya know, your last name. And remember, we're picking two winners at random so if you happen to be painfully unfunny like me, you can still win. Winners will be announced at 2pm (Eastern) on Friday. Finally, if you don't win, you should still buy the book. We could all stand to focus a little more on the awesome in life. Good luck and Wreck On!

UPDATE: We have our winners! (See the top of this post.) Thanks, everyone; your comments have been the best free entertainment I've had all week. ;)

TMI Valentines

MOM ALERT: today's Wrecks may start some awkward conversations with the kids.


When choosing sweets for your Sweet this week, think twice before going with one of these.

The cocky Wreckerator strikes again!

(Although s/he seems a bit unsure:"Huge.. Me..."?)


I've heard of taking a flying leap before, but this is ridiculous.

Stores aren't really helping with their Valentines' displays, either:

Something about this sign just rubs me the wrong way.

I wish I could say "breast" is a Freudian slip here, but it isn't. (I'll spare you *that* picture, though. Heh.) Still, the way this is phrased makes me wonder why some guy named Valentine is demanding we women yell instructions at one of our wachungas. ("You there! Lefty! Stop slouching and face front!")

And finally, the sure-fire mood killer:

"Darlin', let's make a really ugly baby together.
Or maybe just eat this one."

Grant H., Anthony S., Meredith S., Jennifer S., & Jen F., that baby cake would be a hilarious Valentine for an ex. Not that I'm encouraging that kind of thing, of course. ;)

- Related Wreckage: Heart Expressions