The Golden Wreckies

Welcome back to the 2011 Golden Wreckies! I'm your host, Nicky Ganache, and for this segment I'll be talking about myself in the third person.

Nicky can hear you booing, everyone. Don't make Nicky get the hand puppets out again.

Okay, our next award is in the category of Best Supporting Role. And the nominees are:

"The Pastor's Podium"
in Falling Down

"The Flower Girl's Chiclets"

in The Abyss

and...

"A Hope and a Prayer"

in Beaches

And the award for Best Supporting Role goes to.... 'The Flower Girl's Chiclets!' Yes, brilliant. I loved them in JAWS.

Now on to our second category, the award for Best Writing in a Comedic Role. (I actually wrote a hilarious cake this year myself, but, surprise surprise, it's not "eligible." Yeah. They even used air quotes.)

Anyway, the nominees are:

"Cowboys Undeafted"

The story of a rowdy group of deaf football players who suddenly regain their hearing after the coach blows his whistle. Starring Will Ferrell.

"Maga Kum Latt�"

The story of a group of rowdy sorority girls who work part-time at a coffee shop and fall in love with a nearby football team. Starring Will Ferrell.

"Happy Colleen"

The story of a rowdy teenager who explores life as a sheep-herder in the 1920s. Starring Will Ferrell.

And the award goes to... "Happy Colleen!" Although I still think my cake was better. Anyone want to see it, by the way? I happen to have it right here behind the podium... And, if I may say, it's bloody brilliant! ... No? ... You're missing out! ... You sure? ... Anybody?... FINE.

And finally, it's time for our last category of the evening. Because that's what "finally" means. Hah! See? I AM funny.

The nominees for Best Set Dressing are:

"Shower Horror"

The amount of ribbon on this cake will make your hair curl.

"Choking Hazard"

What it lacks in creativity, it makes up for with explosions and 3D effects.

"Hello Kitschy"

For once in his life, Nicky is actually speechless.

And the award goes to....why, Nicky Ganache! YES! I won! Haha! Suck it, Hollyweirds!!

Um...who are these big burly men coming on stage? What are you...HEY! PUT ME DOWN! And give me back my award! That's mine! MINE, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAHAAA!!

[announcer] This has been the Golden Wreckies! Thank you for watching, and good night!

Nicky: [voice fading out] MIIIINE!!

I'd like to thank the Academy, Steve, Kathryn B., Deanne M., Karen B., James, Michael, Sandy B., Brenda J., God, my mother and father... [music swelling] Wait! I'm not finished! My dog Boopsy, my hairdresser Leon, that guy from Cheers...

Countdown to V-day

With Valentine's Day coming up, you might be wondering what to get your significant other for the occasion. Other than roses, chocolates, and cheap stuffed animals, I mean. Because, obviously, those are required. [stern face]

Well, fortunately for you, bakeries still have lots of sweet, romantic options tailor-made to fit your snuggly bun's personality to a "t." Check it out:

For the co-dependent:

When your boyfriend starts crying, you'll know it's only because he's so happy.


For the stalker:

Quietly delivered when they least expect it.

*Hidden recorder that plays your personal greeting available for an additional charge.

For the hopeless romantic:

You see plastic frogs and crumbling icing.

She sees a chance to fix you.

For the one who wants something sexy:

With extra sprinkles for that really intimate experience.

For the Class Act:

A temporary tattoo for a permanent affectation. "Which doesn't need a permanent tattoo, baby, 'cuz your love is a tattoo on my heart. You feel me? My heart.

"Seriously, I'm not getting your name tattooed on my chest. So stop asking."

For the kid at heart:

Hey, it's only as disturbing as you let it be.

[...]

Which, in my case, is pretty darn disturbing.

[sing-song] "Who wants to suck the icing off Barbie's leeee-eeg?"

Yup. Disturbing.

Thanks to snuggly buns Lewis R., Madlyn, Kristie B., Dru Q., Sarah M., & Sherry G.

The Cake Cannibals

Once upon a time, a baker decided to ice a giant baby butt on a cake.

And so she did.

The rest of the bakers gathered round to congratulate her, and before long they'd all agreed: baby butts were surprisingly appetizing. Reeling from this rear realization, the bakers went on to change the face of baby shower cakes forever.

By turning it into a baby butt.

The cake butt phenomenon took off like projectile vomit from a colicky infant. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers. Grandmothers sliced up legs with abandon. Little children screamed in glee at the sight of adorably draped half bodies served up on platters. ("Aw, look, she's sobbing with glee!")

After a while, the original bakers got together again to munch on fondant toes and discuss their next "big thing." The vote was unanimous: they needed much larger bodies of work.

Literally.

"If eating baby butt is sweet, then eating mom boobs will be AMAZING," the bakers exclaimed.

And so, they did.


Just about everyone loved the mom boob & belly combo, but there were a few complaints from the moms-to-be. Not that their cake effigies were being eaten, of course, but that their cake effigies weren't sexy enough.

Quickly the bakers arrived at a solution: the cantaloupes would be made much larger than the watermelon ("if you catch our drift"), and mom's cakey doppelg�nger would be dressed in only the raciest of lingerie, the better to emphasize how she ended up in her present glowing condition.

And so it was.

And, once again, everyone was happy.

At this point the bakers fell into a deep depression. "We've done it all!" they moaned. "What more can we possibly achieve now that women are eating both baby butts *and* mom torsos?"

Which is when they realized: the only thing better than eating a mom torso or baby toes was eating them both together.

Quickly a new decree went out: push that lingerie aside! It's time to show off the baby inside the belly. And then EAT THEM BOTH. Haha!

Remember to keep that melon ratio, though.

At last, the bakers felt they had arrived at the pinnacle of baby shower cakedom. They would continue to fine-tune, of course: a cherry filling here, a plastic baby fished out with tongs there - but overall, their cannibalistic urges were sated. And all was well.

Until they discovered gelatin.

[ear-splitting scream]

[of glee]

Thanks to Jessica M., Candace G., Jessica T., Germaine, Jessica G., Sarah M., Taylor F., & Ruth T., who think that's one heckuva womb with a view.

The Cake Wrecks Phenomenon

Think the wreckage only extends to sugary baked goods?

Think again.

My friends, meet "The Sprinkle Roll":

It's a California Roll...with sprinkles on it.

Yes, real, sugar sprinkles. Brian S., who found these at his local Sushi bar, tells me they taste about how you'd expect. (Which is to say, not good.)

Apparently this company went looking for a logo in our inappropriate balloons posts:

"Stop imagining"? What do you think I've been TRYING to do?

Also, wouldn't that logo be more appropriate on a pair of swim trunks?

(HEYO!)


And finally, you know you've been reading this blog too long when a simple road sign makes you giggle/guffaw/startle the cats with screeches of amusement:

What, you mean, like this?

[giggle]

Marshmallow icing always was my favorite.

Hey Brian S., Micheline F., & Jacob & Jennifer H., if you ever see this:

...you can blame me.

Move Over, Lunchables

As an ab-disadvantaged, rotundity blessed, "fluffy" individual, I appreciate all the finer foods in life. The local Chinese buffet owners even know me by name. ("Oooh, Mr. Pork Man! Table for one?")

It's not that I don't care about being thin and gorgeous, it's...wait. No, actually, that IS it. I don't care. So imagine my delight when I discovered the latest lunch craze hitting our nation's bakeries:

The Porta-Pastry!

Yep, these lunch-sized portions of cake come with everything you need for a nutritious meal: sugar, fat, more sugar, and most importantly: a handy fork for on-the-go eating!

No more sneaking into the breakroom in search of cutlery! No more sharing with the kids! Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying.

I'm sorry, did I say "crying?" 'Cuz I meant "crying tears of JOY."

"Just a second, kids; Mommy's just finishing her lunch."

So far the baking industry has just been testing the market with their Watermelon Porta-Pastry, but happily the response has been so positive they're preparing to introduce a new design:

The Double Pounder.

Because a fork in each hand is worth two duck heads in a bush.

Mmmmm.

Thanks to Annabeth C., Lauren K., Alden L., Jennifer L., Shannon B., and Jane D., who think that lousy Aflac duck had it coming.

First Canned Fruits

Ok, here's the thing: we were totally gonna do an all-new, exciting, hilariously intelligent post on Kwanzaa today. However, it turns out there are no new Kwanzaa wrecks to be found, exciting or otherwise.

Well, except maybe this one:

Which isn't all that exciting. And is probably a Hanukkah wreck anyway.

So, as a "compromise" (read "lazy"), we've decided to take another look at last year's doozie of a Kwanzaa catastrophe made by the one and only Sandra Lee. Think of it as one of those really uncomfortable yearly traditions. Like when Aunt Janet gets drunk on Goldschl�ger at "Winterfest" and hits on Father Jenkins. Yeah. Kinda like that.

Now, to refresh your memories, this is the wreck:

As you can see, it really captures the essence of Kwanzaa: family, community, culture, and corn nuts. It's all there.

And in case you want to make your own, here's a handy diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy breaking down the ingredient list for you:

Mmmmm.

Ok, now that we're fully primed and prepped, let's watch Sandra Lee work her magic:



So... culturally sensitive.


Happy Kwanzaa, all.

Our 1000th Post!

Holy Schnikes, Wreckies, can you believe this is our 1,000th Cake Wrecks post?!?

Yeah. So can I. ("Hey, John, write up another apology. This time you ticked off Weimaraner owners.")

Still, we've come a long way since that night I was bored and thought someone piping "under neat that" on a cake warranted a goofy cake blog. 'Course, at the time, I didn't think a cake could get much worse.

Um...

Yep. We've come a loooong way, baby.

We've discovered the uncharted horrors of the cupcake cake [patooie!]:



Delved into the creeptastic world of cakey cannibalism:


Learned to put numbers in their proper place:


Not to mention quotation marks!


Then there are the mounds of pastry poo, unintentionally suggestive turkeys, wedding day disasters...oh! And the hardest word in the English language to spell:

I like it.

But *most* importantly, we've learned what giant golf balls are called:

Say it with me, now:

Mission: Space!

Many thanks to wreckporters Kimberly F., Christopher T., Kathryn H., Cyndi P., Dao, Erin B., Jr M., & Kellie B., who all got that joke.

I hope.

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CCC Day #5

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.

Please click here to donate your dollar via First Giving.

Let's Hear It For The Bird

Woohoo! It's Thanksgiving! And in honor of the occasion, our trusty turkey cakes have prepared a little message for us:

Well. That's...depressing.

(Oh, and btw, parents, making little screaming sounds when you cut the head off may seem hilarious now, but those therapy bills later are a total buzzkill.)


Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

....

Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

The sign says, "Eat beef."

Beyond that, I have no answers.


Take away the giant piece of plastic, and this next one is just a big hand...

...giving us the bird.

[Ba-dum bump!]


But seriously, are there no cheerful turkey cakes in here?

"I am far too consternated by my Groucho eyebrows and gaping body cavern to be cheerful."

"Yeah, I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps, too."


"I am terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought."

"And I have no head."



[sing-song] "But I do-ooo!"

You doo-doo indeed, mon.

Thanks to Lacee H., Vicky J., Mike T., Julie M., Jimmy, Aaron, Cristina, & Kelli E., who think those dread logs are Rastafar-Out!