Easy, Cheesy, "Beautiful"

Bakers, are you running low on flotsam? Is your curling ribbon on back order? Are you fresh out of teddy bears?

Well, never fear! There are plenty of handy flotsam stand-ins lying around even the most basic of kitchens to save you from actually decorating any of your cakes! Just check out these double-duty doers:

- Styrofoam cups

[Image removed at baker's request. Check back sooner next time. ;)]


Add a few fake flowers snatched off your break room centerpiece, and voila! Instant flower vase!

- The Dollar Store's Clearance Bin

Granted, you'll have to pop next door to Duffy's Dollar Doo-Dad Depot, but the options there are virtually limitless:

And you thought you'd have to learn how to pipe roses. [shaking head] Tsk, tsk.


Or, if your budget is tight, just raid

- your kid's toy chest:

The good news is this isn't ridiculous AT ALL.

'Course, if you want something edible, (spoilsport) you could always go with

- ice cream cones:

Just be sure to fill them completely with icing. Remember: any bite of chocolate chip cookie without a mouthful of frosting is a bite wasted!

Or, for those extra special occasions,

- a dog bone:

Yeah. Chew on that, birthday boy.

Or, "impending-hip-surgery-boy," as the case may be.

Thanks to Laura, Mrs. McCutie, Erica D., Lisa, Sarah G., and Seth F., who all have a bone to pick with these wreckerators. Preferably one in chocolate.

Project Wreckway

Cake expert, Tom Gann: "Pastry chefs, I am leaving you with five minutes to finish your cakes for this week's show. I'm egregiously consternated that some of you might not finish in time, but I am confident that you all have the Sturm und Drang to 'wow' me. Your desserts to this point have consistently been astrudently bralifiscent! So, make it work!"

{moments later}

Hilga Flan: "Designers, welcome to the runway. Your challenge this week was to design a cake where your only limit was your imagination. As you know, in baking, you're either thin or you're stout. Let's start the show."

Kelly: "I wanted my design to be whimsical and childlike, but still fashion forward."

Judge #1, Editor of Gourmet Cake Monthly, Mia Gonzales: "I don't get it. We wanted a high fashion cake, not an arts and craft project."

Judge #2, Founder of Cols Frosting, Daniel Cols: "Butterfly flotsam is SO last season."

Judge #3, Supermodel, Hilga Flan: "It's a hot mess."

*

Mikeal: "I'm not afraid of colour, and I love to stand out."

Mia: "Mikeal, I don't even know where to begin. I'm really beginning to question your taste level."

Daniel: "I agree with Mia; this is just painful to look at. There's way too much going on! The swirls... the ribbons... the flowers... the horses... the swirls... pick a theme and GO WITH IT!"

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Lindsay: "I love couture, so I wanted to keep my design elegant and chic."


Mia: "Lindsay, it's like you've never decorated a cake before in your life. This is... It's just... I am speechless."

Daniel: "I'm really not getting it. Is any of this even edible? If this is couture, get me out of the cake business, NOW."

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Frederick: "My design was inspired by my mother. She was a florist."


Mia: "More like, she was a BORIST. What a snoozefest."

Daniel: "I see how it was inspired by your mother. It's like, mother of the bride meets the spray paint department at K-Mart. And it's so matronly! What's with the stripes? I... I just don't get it."

Hilga: "I kind of like this one. It's like it's had a kiss from a rose."

Daniel: "Ugh... you would like this one."

*

Santiago: "I spent last summer in China, and it inspired me."

Mia: "Santiago, this is outstanding. I would take this cake to a party right now."

Daniel: "I agree. This is just stunning. I think the dragon is now, it's modern, it's hip. The kiwis and cherries are what's happening in cake decorating... it's really well thought out. Bravo."

Hilga: "Santiago, it's really hot. You're this week's winner! Congratulations! You will have immunity in next week's challenge, where you will all have 20 minutes to decorate a wedding cake while hog-tied and blindfolded."

Chasity B., Sue M., Alex N., Shawn B., Shana C., I recommend that you accessorize your designs thoughtfully; perhaps by adding some piping and a few more layers? (Get it? Cause there are layers and piping in both cake and clothes?) Seriously, make it work.

Move Over, Lunchables

As an ab-disadvantaged, rotundity blessed, "fluffy" individual, I appreciate all the finer foods in life. The local Chinese buffet owners even know me by name. ("Oooh, Mr. Pork Man! Table for one?")

It's not that I don't care about being thin and gorgeous, it's...wait. No, actually, that IS it. I don't care. So imagine my delight when I discovered the latest lunch craze hitting our nation's bakeries:

The Porta-Pastry!

Yep, these lunch-sized portions of cake come with everything you need for a nutritious meal: sugar, fat, more sugar, and most importantly: a handy fork for on-the-go eating!

No more sneaking into the breakroom in search of cutlery! No more sharing with the kids! Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying.

I'm sorry, did I say "crying?" 'Cuz I meant "crying tears of JOY."

"Just a second, kids; Mommy's just finishing her lunch."

So far the baking industry has just been testing the market with their Watermelon Porta-Pastry, but happily the response has been so positive they're preparing to introduce a new design:

The Double Pounder.

Because a fork in each hand is worth two duck heads in a bush.

Mmmmm.

Thanks to Annabeth C., Lauren K., Alden L., Jennifer L., Shannon B., and Jane D., who think that lousy Aflac duck had it coming.

Well, This Is Awkward

We at Cake Wrecks realize that there are some of you who don't celebrate Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or Kwanzaa. Or any other winter holiday. Heck, you probably don't even like winter all that much. Or snow. Or puppies. Basically, there's just no making you happy. So, in an effort to placate your scrooge-ish sensibilities, today's commentary will be completely made up of awkward, holiday-free small talk. Enjoy.

So... how 'bout this weather, huh?

Yep...I hear it might even hit 20 degrees tonight. Here! In Florida! Crazy.

...

So...

Have you heard if they canceled Castle? 'Cuz that would be a bummer for Nathan Fillion.

You know, the guy from Firefly?

Firefly. C'mon: the Joss Whedon show? Really popular? No? You've...never seen it. Oh. Um. Never mind.


So... [puffing out cheeks]...yeah.

Uh... Chris, right? What do you do again?

Oh, you're an accountant. Great.

You know, my lawn is just completely dead.

...

Probably the cold.

So... how do you know Janet?

Bunko, huh? Huh. I've heard that's...fun.

[checking watch]

Hey, you know what I could use? A beer. [elbowing ribs] Nothing better on a cold night, am I right? Eh? Can I grab you one?

Oh. You don't drink. [nodding] Well, good! Good for you.

[scratching ear]

Now there is a smokin' fine woman. Hoo whee! Get a looksie at that caboose!

....

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize you had a daughter.

Do you know where the bathroom is? Over there? Oops, Janet just went in. Guess I'll just wait.

[fidgeting] [sigh] [adjusting cufflinks]

Woo boy. I'm getting kinda hungry... think I'll go check out that cheese platter. Want anything?

Lactose intolerant, huh? Bummer. Well, it was great talking to you... Christine, right? Ok, yeah, I'll talk at you later. You can count on it! Heheh, get it? That's a little number humor for ya.

Oh, and sorry again about the caboose thing. You have a lovely daughter. In fact, I...am leaving now, yes. Sorry. G'night.

Thanks, Tyler L., Vanessa D., Somer P., Reginia B., Rachel H., Jason D., David G., Christina N., & Ashley. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just be over here sway-dancing in the corner and trying to avoid eye-contact.

-------------------------------------------------

CCC Day #10

Heifer International works to end hunger and poverty and care for the earth by providing gifts of livestock and training so that communities can generate sustainable incomes.

Please click here to donate your dollar.

Pastry Gags

If you've read this blog for any length of time, then you may be under the impression that only cakes can be royally wrecked. Well, in honor of National Pastry Day (which was last Thursday [so obviously it's not that honor-full]) I've decided to disabuse you of that unfairly cakist notion. Right after I go see if "cakist" is a word.

[Googling]

No, no it isn't. But "googling" is. Go fig.

[shrug] Ok, on to the pastry!

Remember those gingerbread "men" horrors I featured last week? Well, it could be worse. Meet the regular bread man:

"Yes, I know the muffin man. That dude is CRAZY."


1 out of 4 Spider-Mans agree: these chocolate cupcakes are "da bomb!"

The purple flower is what really sells it.


I can't say I understand what's going on with these cream horns:

Um...

...but I'm not sure putting smiley faces on them would help:

Um... Ew.

Speaking of which, nothing says, "Yum!" like a gummie worm crawling out of a ball of chocolate poo:

Am I right?

And a few personal favorites:

Yes, I know they're croquembouches. What I *don't* know is how to pronounce it. Or why Sister Mary Leia there and her fellow patron saints of sports are armed with swords. [head tilt] Huh.


Packed with pistachio, these chocolate dipped knuckle sandwiches really satisfy!

And speaking of chocolate, here's a tip:

When it comes to "Bon Bon's," aim high.

And lean to the right.

Still, nothing gets a rise out of a paying customer quite like a...a...

Peep with a goatee? Maybe?

April K., Danielle B., Malisa I., Margie J., Amy N., Amanda W., Yunn C., Eva M., Malin R., no matter how you slice it, something here definitely went a rye. When you knead your Peeps toasty, that's gonna cost a lotta dough!

---------------------------------

CCC Day #3:

Love146 has one simple, compelling, gut-wrenching goal: "The abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation. Nothing less."

Click here to donate a dollar via FirstGiving.

A Little Too Much Ginger, Perhaps

Some people collect stamps, or art cards, or limited edition laser-etched Animaniac propeller beanies*.

I collect photos of ridiculously decorated gingerbread men.


* Actually I'm just hoping this is true, because I'd love to see one.


I started when I realized a lot of bakeries sell gingerbread cookies year-round, and so try to decorate them to go with all the different holidays. Which gets, shall we say, a little silly:

Get me an old priest and a young priest...

Oh, and a glass of milk.

I'd look alarmed, too, if someone stole my torso and left my bloody limbs scattered around. [shudder]

And a personal favorite:

The guy on the right looks like he just had an alien chest-burster episode, only with a giant leprechaun.

Which, you must admit, is kind of awesome.


No, Mr. Scary Clown Man, actually, I do *not* want your sprinkles. Thank you.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!

Then be a dear and glue it to a cookie, won't you?

Purrrrfect.

'Course, the best designs are usually the ones that ignore the "man" shape altogether:

Not exactly what I had in mind when I asked for "Catwoman."


Ok, this is getting ridiculous.

Really ridiculous.

No, really REALLY ridiculous.

Death by poodle.

(Also, $2.19 for that? Really?)


Not sure what these blue things are, but boy are they appetizing!

Bwhahahahaa!

Just kidding.

Still, I ask you: what's wrong with the time-honored, classic gingerbread man design?

[snicker]

Actually, this one is pretty awesome, too.

But this - THIS - on the other hand:

This must be stopped.

Think of the hippos.

L.G., Jas D., Ginger G. (yes, really. Heheh.), Leah O., Sean R., Lauren A., Kim, John D., M.L.W., & Eyal, thanks for contributing to my collection! Now I just need a Valentines' one. (Hint hint.)

Golden Arch Enemies

Did you hear that San Francisco recently passed a law saying McDonald's can't give out toys in their Happy Meals? Yep. Apparently they don't think we should entice children to eat food that is bad for them by offering little toys as rewards.


And really, they have an excellent point: you *shouldn't* reward kids for eating junk with little toys.

You should reward kids for eating junk with really, really BIG toys!!

BWAH-HA-HAAA!!!

Ahem.

No, seriously, let's consider the slippery slope here, shall we? First you start with an innocent pair of sunglasses:

Or, as the label calls them, a "tiara."

Next you up the ante with two or three action figures...

...or nine or ten.


Then you start adding custom carrying cases for the action figures...


And big dollhouses for them to live in...


Until finally, the toy is so large, so complex, that it's impossible to tell where the Happy Meal ends and the toy begins!

And we can't have that, now, can we?

(Yes, there's cake in there. Really.)

Lauren W., Tracy C., Jennifer D., Nicole B., Brianna R., Veronica L., & Rachel A., I'm holding out for the Star Trek: The Original Series phaser and tricorder cupcake pack. That's gonna be AWESOME.