Oh My Stars!

As I'm sure you've all heard, there was a bit of a dust-up recently over whether or not our astrology signs have changed. Betrayal, bewilderment, boredom...there was a veritable gamut of emotions running wild.

Fortunately, CNN has since assured the world that my not being a Taurus is total bull. Whew! However, just for fun, let's take a look at these "new" signs and how they might have changed our lives forever.

Or...not.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 � Feb. 16
Capricorns are known to be obedient and dedicated. If you ask a Capricorn to do something, you can be sure it is going to get done...

...literally.

Aquarius: Feb. 16 � March 11
Aquarius is represented by water, which fits this sign's creative, "free flow" personality.

"That'll be $28.95, please."

Pisces: March 11- April 18
Pisces is an emotional yet generous sign. These selfless individuals will give until it hurts.

Or until they run out of room.

Aries: April 18 - May 13
Much like their symbol the ram, Aries are fearless creatures. They forge boldly ahead, letting no man, beast...

...or periwinkle border stand in their way.

Taurus: May 13- June 21
Taurus is a sign that never backs down. This stubborn bull will stand her ground through all of life's challenges.

"Look, the writing on the order form says 'Blinday.' END OF STORY."

Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Gemini is often of two minds, waiting to make a choice until the very last minute.

When it's over she'll know if she can write "happy" or not.

Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Cancers are rooted in the past, home and hearth. You can trust a Cancer to feed you, mother you, clean you, feed you, love you...

...and feed you.

And then maybe eat you.

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Leos are very ambitious - shooting for the stars, taking on large projects, and sometimes getting in over their heads.

Or King Tut's, as the case may be.

Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
You can always count on the reliable Virgo to deliver steady, consistent results.

This is more of a virtue if they know how to spell.

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Libra has a clear sense of right and wrong, and is always a fair and impartial judge. However, Libra also craves communication and loves an opportunity to prove her intelligence.

Yes, thank you, Libra.

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Sharp-shooter Scorpio has no problem telling it like it is. Scorpio is honest, direct, and lays everything out in black and white.

Scorpio is usually free most Saturday nights.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
Nothing can slow down a carefree Sagittarius. Her spontaneity and drive keep things fun and interesting:

...and also covered in SPRINKLES!!! Wheeee!

Wreckiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Wreckiuchus likes to hide in plain sight, often going years before revealing himself to those closest to him.
Some skeptics say Wreckiuchus doesn't actually exist, but if you cross your eyes and stare really hard, we think you'll get the message.

The message being that you look pretty silly with your eyes crossed, of course.


Thanks to Kailee M., Sarah C., Maggie B., Jinglei, Aaron, Jordan F., Niloufer R., Anony M., Heather & Mikki, Katie O., Elizabeth, Stina, & Valerie M., who should all look before they leap, take advantage of sudden windfalls, and explore new opportunities today. And then maybe buy their favorite bloggers a snack. (We like Bugles.)

Directionally Challenged

When it absolutely, positively has to be spelled out in living color:

...these wreckerators know how to deliver.


My guess is ordering a cake with "Deaonerax" on it will always be wreckworthy...

...whatever the case may be.

And something tells me this customer may have been in arrears*:

But I'm sure it all worked out in the end.

(*arrears = "behind in paying money that is owed." *snort* *snicker* *giggle*)


Hey, ever wonder what goes down at the scene of a literal LOL? Well, thanks to Mel. B., reality show "star," now we know:

Thanks to Kendra C., Dea B., and Katie M., who, of all my Wreckporters, are literally the most recent.

**Also, a big "congrateralutaions" to Dana, who we *hope* responded in the affirmative to her main squeeze Greg's oh-so decent proposal this morning. Be sure to send us pics of your wedding cake, guys! :)

Our 1000th Post!

Holy Schnikes, Wreckies, can you believe this is our 1,000th Cake Wrecks post?!?

Yeah. So can I. ("Hey, John, write up another apology. This time you ticked off Weimaraner owners.")

Still, we've come a long way since that night I was bored and thought someone piping "under neat that" on a cake warranted a goofy cake blog. 'Course, at the time, I didn't think a cake could get much worse.

Um...

Yep. We've come a loooong way, baby.

We've discovered the uncharted horrors of the cupcake cake [patooie!]:



Delved into the creeptastic world of cakey cannibalism:


Learned to put numbers in their proper place:


Not to mention quotation marks!


Then there are the mounds of pastry poo, unintentionally suggestive turkeys, wedding day disasters...oh! And the hardest word in the English language to spell:

I like it.

But *most* importantly, we've learned what giant golf balls are called:

Say it with me, now:

Mission: Space!

Many thanks to wreckporters Kimberly F., Christopher T., Kathryn H., Cyndi P., Dao, Erin B., Jr M., & Kellie B., who all got that joke.

I hope.

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CCC Day #5

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Please click here to donate your dollar via First Giving.

The Sign Post

Better watch out for this bakery, henchpersons:

I hear they'll hang you out to dry.


"TELL US HoW WE ARE DOing.."

"An O you co-A WIN... " uh, some assorted scribbles.

Hey, uh, guys?

YOU'RE ON CAKE WRECKS.

What's that tell you?

Now, tell me what the mystery blob with the vaguely butterfly-like thing on it is supposed to be, and we'll call it even.


The bakers wielding the pastry bags aren't the only culprits, though:

I've seen a lot of these cakes. They live up to their name.

Aw, now why is "home made" in quotes? From that gooey ooze dripping out the bottom I can tell it's JUST like "home made." (Love you, Mom!)

*sigh*

Personally I don't see how you can use a "thank you," no matter WHICH underwear it might belong to.

(Give it a minute.)

(Theeere it is.)

Hey, Melissa P., Jennifer D., April G., Dani, Kelsey H., & Claire M., there's your sign.

They Call Me...Tater Salad

But that's still not as silly as Mary's nickname:

Kinda makes you wonder how she got it.

Or if it has anything to do with that plastic thing in a bag taped to the top of the box.

[head tilt]


Naaaah.

Hey, Mary "Toy In Middle" R., maybe you should try an acronym:

A Grave Situation

Q: What do Wreckerators do when they lose their bakery jobs?

A:

It pays better, and there are a lot fewer complaints.

Elissa R., does Tomb Wrecks know about this?





Update from John: For those of you crying "Photoshop:"

This is clearly cut in the stone; look carefully at the S in both words. We also have Elissa as our eyewitness, who took this pic with her own camera while standing in the graveyard.

Besides, after the amount of Wreckage we've documented, does this really surprise you that much? ;)

Err Force

Did you know that September 18th is the United States Air Force's birthday? For real! And to celebrate the good ole' US Air Force (at 63 years young), I've decided to showcase the following cake in all of its fantastical wrecky goodness.

What is the most awesomely wrecky part of this cake, you ask? Lemme a'splain. No... there is too much. Lemme sum up.

Well, there's the migraine-inducing spelling of "Fonteyimbleau High's Miletxery Ball." For starters.

Say that five times fast... (or one time slow).

Then there's the "emblems turned balloons," with each one being held by not one, not two, but THREE balloon strings.

Up, up, and away!

And we can't overlook the glittery sand-scape of frosting, hypnotizing you into overlooking the remarkable penmanship.

It's like a little zen garden of sugar.

It's really all SO awesome. But the most awesomely awesome part of all has got to be this:

The fact that probably everyone at the ball was wearing an official Air Force hat makes this my favourite part of all. Awesome.

Thank you to Josh A. and all the ROTC cadets at Fonteyimbleau High for having a good altitude about this cake. We were kinda wingin' it when we wrote this post, so I hope we passed with flying colours!

Internal Wisdom

We here at Cake Wrecks realize that often there are readers who simply. don't. get it. So, in an effort to "bring the funny" to our few humor-challenged readers, we have enlisted the services of our intern, Britnee, to help translate. To our regular readers: please bear with us. We will resume our regular posting tomorrow. And now, take it away, Britnee!

Like, OMG! You're totally gonna laugh. So, there's this cake, right?

See, what happened was, the guy that ordered the cake actually wanted actual FLOWERS on the cake. Like, in icing? And instead the DECORATOR wrote "and flowers." Right? Get it? O. M. G.!

And this is, like, totally hilarious:

LOL So, here, a guy wanted a cake to say "Schwager House" - which is totes redonk - but he wanted it written out in all capital letters. And get this: the decorator wrote "all caps" ON THE CAKE. Right there! In icing! On the cake! See it? HAHAHAHA! OMG, I gotta tell Kristy about this one.

Check this out: so, next, this lady, Madalene, wanted a cake for her son and some junk, and she, like, wanted the cake to say "#1" on it. Well, GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!?!

Hi-LAAAAAAAR-ious!!!

See, the cake says "#1 ON IT" ON the cake!!! HE TOTALLY WROTE IT ON THE CAKE!

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOO

And then there was this guy, Dennis? And he wanted a cake, for his mom's birthday? And she was like, turning 89, or whatever? So, he wanted an "89" in the corner? And do you know what happened?!?!??!

{{{dying with laughter}}}

The decorator WROTE OUT "89 IN THE CORNER!!!!!!!"

LOLOLOLOL!!!!

{catching breath...}

Okay, okay... but the most bestest one ever EVER... is when it was Ashlee's birthday, and her boyfriend wanted the cake to say "Happy Birthday Ashlee" and her name has two Es in it and OMG OMG OMG what do you think happened?!?

[hopping up and down] (This is going to be awesome!!! You are SO going to TOTALLY lose it!!!)

Wait.

I don't get it.

....

Well, here's John again.

[Sigh] Um, thanks, Britnee, for that thoughtful and extremely explanatory commentary. I hope all of our humor-challenged readers enjoyed it. And for the rest of you, allow me to end with an obscure math joke: Did you know that 8/5 of Americans aren't good with fractions? [Chortle]

Thanks to Will E., Chris O., Madalene W., Dennis W., and Robert H.

I Never Inhaled

This was ordered for a school competition called the Academic Decathlon:

Or, as Wreckerators know it, "AcPec."

Now, I'd like to say that at least they spelled "capitalize" right, buuuut...

they didn't.


*sigh*

The following is a dramatization. The Wreck, however, is very real.

Bakery: "Yello!"

Jenny C.: "Hi, I'd like a cake with 'Happy Birthday' on it."

Bakery: "Sure! Anything else?"

Jenny C: [shaking head] "Just 'Happy Birthday'."

Bakery: "Okey dokey!"

*sigh*

Two friends nicknamed Frizz and Kermit ask a baker to hold a blank cake for them while they finish their shopping. The baker agrees, and sticks a hold tag on the box.

What happened next? Only the Wrecker knows.

"On hold regularly."

Well that clears things up.

*sigh*

And finally, Anda ordered a couple of cakes for a birthday party. To keep it simple, she asked for the same inscription on both. Which is exactly what she got.

Yep, despite the fact that the Wreckerator wrote "bath," s/he actually did write the same thing on both. I don't have a photo of the second cake, but Anda assures me it looked a lot like this:

Really.

And the kicker?

The store refused to fix them.

Why?

Because - waaaait for it - that's what she asked for.

Really.

All together now: *sigh*

Kristy M., Jenny C., Ellen K., & Anda S., this post would make a great breathing exercise. :)