I'm Sorry

This is about to get really serious.  If you came here looking for something funny, please go here, here, here, here, or here instead.   

I spent all day planning out another redesign of my blog, but I don't even know if it's my blog that I'm wanting to change.  Maybe that's just a symptom.  All I know is that I didn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about money problems and family problems and health problems and how the fuck I am ever going to survive in the world when I'm the only person I know who feels like going to the grocery store is prohibitively difficult.

I feel claustrophobic in my own skin because as much as I want to find external reasons for the way I'm feeling, I know that it's all my fault.  And I'm scared.  I'm scared of losing the people I care about once they get tired of putting up with me.  Once they realize that I'm not who they thought I was and that I'll never be able to be an adult.

I feel guilty.  And selfish.  I haven't seen my own father in over six months because I don't ever go home.  I can't go home.  I can't go home because my sister is mentally ill and it is emotionally traumatizing for me to be around her.  She lives in a world where delusions make me into a monster.  She screams at me about things that never happened, things that hurt her deeply.  And I'm helpless because who am I to argue with her altered sense of reality?  You can't sway a delusional mind with logic and that cripples me.  It takes away my only defense against total invasion of emotional and personal space and before I know it, I'm filling up with rage and pain and yelling right back at her.  It's not her fault.  I am weak.  I should be able to handle the confrontation and loss of control, but I can't.  Home no longer feels like home.  It's just a house full of fear and anger and guilt.

God damn it.  When I get like this, I just start judging myself and scrutinizing everything I've ever done, looking for errors.  I get smaller and smaller until I am buried by self-doubt.  And then I am nothing and I feel stupid for ever believing otherwise.