Don't Stand in Front of My Flame Thrower, it is Very Powerful

I was a bad blogger today. I should have written something rad for you to read this morning, but that didn't happen. I have emails to respond to and phone calls to make and those aren't happening either. I feel like I deserve a medal for re-filling my humidifier.

I am tapering off of my ADHD medication.

I am halfway through my last prescription from my doctor. I am not allowed to see that doctor anymore because I graduated from college and she is only a doctor for college students. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Anyway, if I want to stay on my medication, I have to go find myself a whole new doctor and get diagnosed with ADHD all over again or something. Remember when I told you about going to the bank and depositing a check so I could buy my ADHD meds? Remember how that involved 36 steps? Guess how many steps are involved in getting a new doctor so I can get diagnosed with ADHD again? Probably 387, but I am too attention deficient to actually count right now.

Anyway, I am hedging my bets and tapering off of my medication in advance because I know myself and I know what will happen if I don't:

1.) I will take my medication until I have about two week's worth of pills left. I will then think "I need to get more of this... eh, I'll do it later."

2.) I will procrastinate until I have one pill left.

3.) I will take my last pill and, upon observing the empty bottle before me, I will panic and try to figure out what I have to do to get more medication but alas, the process is too complicated and there are lots of phone calls involved and I will give up half-way through because I have ADfuckingHD and it is getting worse by the second since I procrastinated on my responsibilities and was thus forced to go straight from being massively medicated to being completely unmedicated within the span of a few hours and that is not ever a good idea and I will probably die.

The worst part? All that stuff up until the part where I die? That is me WHILE I AM TAKING MY ADHD MEDICATION. Yes, I am that dysfunctional even while heavily medicated.

But I am choosing to taper off of my medication anyway so that when if I don't get around to finding myself a new doctor, at least I won't die.

So basically, I am giving up on ever being productive again. I think that's what this boils down to.

This is so unfair. It's like if you had diabetes and your doctor was like "You can't have your insulin until you eat eighteen Pixie Stix, a 16-ounce package of Skittles and a doughnut."

Or if you needed a heart transplant and your surgeon was all "Oh, you need a heart? Well, you're in luck! We have one for you at the top of that mountain over there. You just have to climb up and get it. You might have to fight some tigers. Good luck!" It's kind of like that too.

You shouldn't have to overcome your disorder to get medication to help you overcome your disorder. That is the kind of thing that causes the universe to implode.

Can I be frank? I am sitting here on my couch literally vibrating with hyperactivity. You know when you are walking along and you see something out of the corner of your eye and you think it is a werewolf or a zombie or Ted Bundy and it scares the shit out of you but then you realize it was just a leaf or a sprinkler and really you are going to be fine but you still have all that adrenaline rushing through your veins and you just want to explode into action but that doesn't make any sense because there is nothing to run away from and you are at the Renaissance Faire and people would, you know, stare at you, so you just keep that crazy feeling bottled up inside and it makes you feel like you are going to spontaneously combust at any second? That's how I feel.

I have all of this energy but no way to direct it. It's like I'm holding a flame thrower and spinning around randomly shooting fire at everything and thinking "Man, this thing could be really useful if I knew how to control it and what to use it on..."

I should probably stay the hell away from Billy Joel, that's for sure.

Anyway, I fully intend to keep blogging. Some days will be better than others. I'll try to minimize the number of consolation cat pictures that I post. If you email me and I don't respond, it's not because I hate you. It is because I am dysfunctional and a little crazy and it's hard to type when my whole body is shaking with psychotic enthusiasm over nothing in particular.

Alright, I'm going to go throw this:

at my wall repeatedly until I am un-psychotic enough to go to bed. Which might not be ever.

P.S. That thing in the picture is a squishy orange ball that Boyfriend bought for me to play with when I'm having an ADD attack. I named it "Big Thing." Big Thing and I have such a tortured relationship. On one hand, I love Big Thing and I would never do anything to hurt it. On the other hand, there are few things in life that are more satisfying than throwing Big Thing against a wall, so basically Big Thing is asking for it just by existing and being fucking awesome at bouncing off of walls.