You are at a concert. Or in church or at a birthday party. And the band (because I don't know about you, but I used to have bands at all my birthday parties) starts encouraging people to clap along with the music, and at first you're all "yay! clapping!" but after you clap for a few minutes you realize it really isn't as fun as it sounds and you're off-rhythm because you just weren't born to be a percussionist and you don't want to clap anymore so you try to fizzle out your clapping and you hope no one notices, but there is always that one person who does notice and they glare at you like you are ruining it for everyone else and you can't even enjoy the music anymore because that one person thinks you should be clapping.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person in the world who gets angry about this, but then I start thinking "What if everyone else actually hates it too? What if that person that was glaring at me hates it and they were only glaring at me because they were jealous that I got to stop clapping while they had to keep clapping? And what if the band actually hates it? And what if we're all only doing it because we think everyone else likes it but actually they don't?" I am pretty sure that that is exactly what is happening.
Being Asked "Are You Finding Everything Okay?" By Store Employees
You know when you are just walking around in the grocery store or The Gap or the sex emporium and out of nowhere one of the employees walks up behind you and scares the crap out of you by asking "are you finding everything okay?" which causes you to drop the tube of cookie dough/hoodie/vibrator you were holding and then it breaks and then you have to buy it? And yes, tubes of cookie dough and hoodies can break when dropped on the floor. I don't know how, but I'm sure it's happened before. At least statistically speaking.
Or even if none of that happens except for the part where the store employee walks up to you and politely inquires "are you finding everything okay?" -- you might not be finding everything okay, but you sure as hell don't want help because that would mean having to walk around the grocery store with a stranger and you are really socially awkward but you'll have to make small talk while you are looking for the item that you will probably be unable to find. And you will eventually want give up on finding the item altogether but no - no matter how much you reassure the salesperson that you really don't need pimento relish that badly, they always end up calling the manager about it and then the manager looks at you like you are the only idiot in the whole world who would ever want pimento relish and that it is totally ridiculous for you to expect to find it in his grocery store even though you knew that already and had, in fact, already given up on finding it but the salesperson wouldn't let you so it's technically not even your fault. But the manager doesn't know that and he'll make eleven pointless phone calls to every branch of that grocery store before simply informing you that no one in the world carries pimento relish except maybe in Mexico or Texas and you are back where you started except for now everyone is angry.
I know the employees are just trying to be helpful/not get fired, but I am an adult and I am fully capable of advocating for myself if I want or need help and I have already been asked if I need help by like twelve different people which is starting to make feel insecure about the image I project to the world because do I really look like I am that confused and helpless? Is there something about my face that just screams "I have no idea what I am doing and I need your assistance with even the most basic tasks - like picking out bread"?
This happens to me in almost every store except Wal-Mart. No one ever asks you if you are finding everything okay in Wal-Mart. If you want help, you have to go track down their invisible-ninja-shapeshifter employees and ask them your damn self. And then they know exactly what it is you are looking for and where to find it because you know what? They live in Wal-Mart. Which is a piece of trivia that I most definitely did not just make up for the hell of it.
What is it that you guys like about my blog again?
Waiting in Line:
I am terribly impatient. My reason for waiting in line always seems so much more urgent and important than anything the people in front of me could possibly be waiting for. Probably because I'm better than them.
I'm like "Oh, you have a baby in the car? It's 100 degrees outside? Well I have a chimichanga waiting for me at home and those things don't just defrost themselves."
Safety Seals
When I get a bottle of water or Ketchup or pills I just want to get into the bottle as quickly as humanly possible and not be bothered with my "safety" or being reassured that my product has not been "tampered with." I usually at least try to just peel off the seal gently, but does it ever come off easily? NEVER!!! I almost always end up sitting on the kitchen floor, stabbing at the safety seal with a knife because Boyfriend broke the scissors and we are too poor to buy more and I really need water/Ketchup/pills right fucking now. Sorry I said fuck.
Pants in General, But Jeans in Particular
Who came up with the idea that wearing tight denim was a good idea? And why do we keep reaffirming this person's mistaken notion?
Unless you work on a farm or in an auto-repair shop (or you are Brett Favre) you probably have no reason to wear jeans.
Let's think about this: We, as consumers, have the option of buying pants made out of stretchy cotton and elastic, but instead we choose to wear pants made out of a thick, movement-restricting fabric with totally useless little brass buttons sewn on the butt (go ahead - check the ass of your jeans - there are pointless buttons on the corners of all the pockets). And they have to be buttoned shut with a giant button that really hurts when you are dry humping (I'm pretty sure that all of you know exactly what I'm talking about since I'm pretty sure we've all been teenagers at some point). And they have to be closed with a zipper and held up with a belt because obviously no one has invented a material that can be used to make a stretchy waistband yet. And there is always that one tiny pocket inside the main pocket.
What am I supposed to use that pocket for?
One, it is too tiny to really hold real objects and two, it is inside another pocket!!! Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? Why wouldn't I just put my objects in the bigger pocket? Oh, I remember - because the bigger pocket can't really accommodate real objects either!!!
I put my cell phone in the front pocket of my jeans one time and I got a bruise on my pelvis because I got all excited about something and started sprinting (because that's what I do when I'm excited) but I forgot I had a cell phone crammed into the pocket of my jeans and I lifted my thigh too fast which jammed the cell phone into my pelvis. Is that something that should happen in a world where there are robotic vacuum cleaners?? No. It is not.
And don't start lecturing me about "oh I love my jeans! They are so comfortable! I've had them for so many years it's almost like they are sweatpants..." because you know what? They will never be as comfortable as sweatpants. Even still, I will probably get hate mail about this one because, for some reason, people are really fucking attached to the concept of jeans and I am sorry I said fuck again please don't send me hate mail about that either.
Does anyone else feel like I need a job?
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