Remember how I was sitting outside in some bushes stealing internet last night?
It turns out that I was about a block and a half away from a caf� that had free WiFi. I just didn't realize it because the free WiFi is password protected and you have to get the password from the barista and the caf� actually looks more like a saloon, but no - it's a caf�.
So There's that.
I'll tell you my secret to internet-stealing anyway, though.
1. Wait until nightfall. Internet pirating is best done under the cover of night.
2. Wear dark clothing but wear something reflective underneath it. You want to wear the dark clothing to avoid being seen and the reflective clothing underneath so that you can quickly remove your dark clothing and make yourself not look like a bear or a moose or a dog or a raccoon in the event that you are spotted. If you are spotted and you even somewhat resemble one of those animals, you will probably be shot because you are in rural Montana.
But I must warn you that even if you succeed in demonstrating that you are human, you will probably be shot anyway.
I guess the reflective clothing is mostly just for confusion. In fact, it would probably be best to wear a reflective matador's cape. That way, you can flare it out behind you and confuse the shooter as to your actual location in space.
3. After you have dressed yourself appropriately, go outside. Walk down the street with Network Preferences open and scanning.
4. When an unsecured wireless connection shows up, pick a direction. Walk in that direction and note whether the signal strength gets stronger or weaker. If it gets weaker, turn around. If it gets stronger, keep going until you find a spot that has both brush cover and a reasonably strong signal. Set up camp there.
5. Try to make sure that you are at least 20 feet from the house from which you are stealing internet and that you are not near any street lamps. You may need to search for a long time before coming across such a place, but it will be well worth it, I promise. At least you'll have a 20-foot running start should you be discovered.
6. Complete your interneting as quickly as you can. If possible, prepare emails, blog posts, tweets and facebook updates ahead of time so that you need only to copy and paste. Check these documents for errors at least six times before you go out to pirate internet. Once you post them, you will be unable to edit them unless you want to go back out and hide in the bushes. No matter how careful you are, you will most definitely make a typo or two and they will haunt you mercilessly.
7. If you don't get shot or maimed by one of the animals you were trying so hard not to resemble, congratulate yourself on a successful internet-stealing adventure!
And that's it. It's that easy.
OR, you could be smart like a real person and not just assume that a building is a bar just because it kind of looks like one but not really during the daytime. You could do that too. It might turn out to be a caf� with free WiFi. That would save you lots of time. And you wouldn't have to buy a reflective matador's cape. And you would substantially decrease your risk of being shot and/or mauled. And you wouldn't find a leaf in your hair and freak out and stab yourself in the forehead with a butter knife because you think the leaf is a mutant spider and you were making toast and you didn't have time to put down your knife because there was a fucking mutant spider in your hair.
That's the good news.
The bad news is that Boyfriend called the internet people and they told us that we have to wait until at least November 6th before we can get an appointment for some guy to install the internet and/or rape me.
That is a situation in which being raped would be extra insulting and hurtful.
Anyway, now that I've found this caf�, I will be able to at least post once a day. If I post any more than that, I will probably end up dying because I'm pretty sure they put meth in the coffee here, and I've heard that ingesting too much meth in one day is detrimental to one's health. I'm going to try to keep it to one meth-coffee per day, at least until I build up a tolerance for the stuff.
My computer battery is dying, so I have to go home and recharge. I might get around to coming back out for another coffee if my internet/meth withdrawal symptoms get bad enough.
And I hope to God that I did not make any typos because then I didn't have time to edit and if I did make a typo, I will almost certainly be forced to come back here and purchase more meth-coffee so that I can feed my internet addiction without pissing off the barista. And then I will die.
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