Hollywood Suffers, Viacom Spas

Finally, a solid and completely understandable explanation has emerged for why certain members of the AMPTP are unable to return to the negotiating table.

It turns out that next Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, the hardworking heads of all Viacom, CBS, and Paramount Entertainment Divisions will be enjoying "award-winning accommodations," "world-renowned" spa treatments," "AAA Five Diamond" gourmet dining, and round after exhilarating round of "championship quality" golf during an executive retreat at The Boulders Resort and Golden Door Spa.

Oh, and anybody wanna guess where Boulders is located?

No really, go ahead and guess. Because even if we weren't three months into a painful strike, pounding the pavement of our picket-lines, fighting for a fair deal, struggling to make our rent and feed our families...you definitely still can't write this kind of thing.

Ready?

Carefree, Arizona.

That's right. CAREFREE. Maybe you've heard of it? It's a little town somewhere between Footloose and Fuckem.

Now, hopefully, as soon as Sumner, Les and the gang are finished luxuriating in a cucumber sea-grass body wash, using some of their Internet profits to pay for foie gras, or just telling writer jokes at the spa -- they'll find time in their busy schedules and be relaxed enough to come back to the negotiating table. All of those in the entertainment industry put out of work and hurt by the strike sure would appreciate it.

Of course, if you'd like to leave a personal message at the front desk so the staff can pass that along, beginning Sunday, January 13, they can be reached toll-free at:

The Boulders Resort
34631 N. Tom Darlington Dr.
Carefree, AZ 85377
(866) 397-6520

Enjoy your stay, folks.