Things That Can Make You Feel Like an Idiot Almost Instantly

There are certain things that can bring even the most confident people to their knees with crushing self-doubt and insecurity. These are some of those things.

Holding other people's babies

At some point in your life, you are going to have to hold a baby. When that time comes, you will discover that babies are terrifying and they hate you.

Maybe the baby belongs to your college roommate or your sister. You might even want to hold it at first. But as soon as the baby is in your arms, you will realize that holding it was a mistake. What if you break it? What if you drop it? Your hands suddenly feel like giant pieces of useless meat. Why won't its head stay up on its own? What is it doing with its face? Sensing your anxiety, the baby will begin screaming and then everyone will look at you like you are ruining the baby's life but no one will take it away from you. They just stand there and stare at you like you are the worst person in the world.

Not having pockets to put your hands in while listening to someone else talk

If you find yourself listening to someone else talk for a long period of time, you are going to need something to do with your hands so that you can maintain the appearance of being attentive yet relaxed. Usually, putting your hands in your pockets works beautifully in this situation. But what happens when you are wearing something that doesn't have pockets?

First, you grope anxiously at your sides where your pockets should be. They aren't there, but you look for them anyway. Once you realize that there are no pockets and there never will be any pockets no matter how much you wish for them, you begin futilely cycling through a series of increasingly awkward hand positions; hands on your hips like a superhero, arms folded lightly over your chest like an insecure preteen, arms folded purposefully over your chest like an angry farmer, hands dangling limply at your sides - they all make you feel insecure and unnatural.


You become so focused on choosing the least awkward position for your hands that you lose track of the conversation entirely. This only adds to the problem because now you also have to worry about whether the stance you choose is appropriate for the conversation. You don't want to be standing there with your hands squarely on your hips like Superman if your friend was just talking about his dead grandmother.

People of indeterminate gender

You are standing there, minding your own business when you spot someone in your general vicinity whose gender is not immediately apparent. You try not to notice. You try not to let it bother you because you are a good person and your identity is heavily dependent on perceiving yourself as nonjudgmental and understanding of others. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you begin to feel panic. It starts out small and escalates until you feel completely paranoid that somehow you are going to NEED to know the person's gender; like someone is going to run up to you at any moment and quiz you and if you don't answer correctly, you are an asshole for life.

Biking up a steep hill in your work clothes

There are not many instances where you feel as stupid as when you are wobbling up a steep hill on your bike, sweating profusely through your work clothes, legs akimbo with your khakis all scrunched up awkwardly around your groin. You can feel the eyes of passing motorists burn into the back of your giant, helmet-clad head as you pedal furiously in an effort to stay upright. Your legs start to burn and you are breathing so hard that little flecks of saliva come shooting out of your mouth with each exhalation, but you press on out of sheer willpower to get to the top of the hill where you can reclaim at least some of your dignity.

Having your space invaded by your friend's cat

Cats don't give a shit about your personal space. You're sitting on your friend's couch, trying to enjoy a nice conversation and your friend's cat leaps up onto your lap and gets all up in your grill. You don't like cats, but you pretend to like your friend's cat because that's what friends do. Then the cat gets all pushy and starts kneading your chest with its paws and backing its ass up in your face. But you can't do anything about it. You just have to sit there and take it because your friend is standing right there and if you throw her cat violently to the ground, she is going to notice. So you just try to carry on and pretend the cat's butthole isn't two inches from your face and everything is fine.

Talking with the guy who hates everything

The guy who hates everything can turn any conversation into a one-sided rant. Were you talking about puppies? The guy hates people who give their dogs people names. Were you talking about Gatorade? The guy hates electrolytes. Sometimes he doesn't even bother with a logical transition and your nice chat about the migratory behavior of birds gets derailed by a diatribe on why no one should ever buy non-organic bananas because people who eat food that isn't organic shouldn't be allowed to be alive. This sends you into a tailspin of anxiety over whether this person can tell that you ate microwave fish sticks for lunch or if you've ever mentioned your weakness for Slim Jims around him.

Unintentionally suggestive grocery store purchases

You go to the grocery store to buy a couple things. Maybe you have a blister and need Vaseline, or maybe you are out of toilet paper. While you're there, you decide to stock up on unintentionally phallic vegetables or a case of extra spicy canned chili. You don't realize until you are placing your items on the counter that the specific combination of things you are buying says something to the outside observer about what you are planning to do with them. But by then, it's too late. You frantically try to reorganize your groceries so the offending items are as far apart as possible. Maybe you even grab some Tic Tacs or a magazine to throw the checker off your trail. But no matter how many decoy items you buy, you still feel positive that the checker is going to notice your conspicuous purchase and think you are some twisted freak with explosive diarrhea.

Getting in an argument while wearing a costume

Halloween is a happy time for most people You get to dress up like Spiderman, eat eight packets of Smarties and drink yourself into oblivion. But sometimes even this joyous occasion can go horribly wrong. One minute you are dancing to Bad Romance without a care in the world and the next you are standing there in a Wolverine costume fighting with your girlfriend the sexy bee about whether or not you were staring at the girl in the Playboy bunny costume.

There is nothing quite as degrading as trying to have a serious argument while you're half drunk and dressed up like a giant pumpkin or the tooth fairy.